I am here.
I’m not a newcomer.
I have traversed the blogosphere before.
I change my thoughts and feelings.
But I can’t escape my basic being. No matter how hard I try to make the changes I feel like I need to make, I am trapped in my basic being. I acquiesce to being the fundamental person that I am. I don’t, truly, understand who that person is or who that person should be, but I know I can’t escape it.
In so many ways, I have tried to escape.
I am unsure of my thoughts and feelings. I doubt my own philosophical points of view. I can’t trust how I feel from moment to moment. I have an ideal that makes me happy, but at 45 years of age, I question if my ideal is even relevant anymore. I acquiesce to the idea that I am stuck and nothing will change.
Ultimately, I know my problems are depression and anxiety. I’ve questioned the validity of those and I question if it’s possible to find the happiness so many people believe is the epitome of a good life. And if it is a good life that all people strive for, I question the viability of that standard.
And yet, I am here.
Hoping, on some level.
Maybe I’ll figure it all out.
Maybe I won’t.