“Honestly, I’m disappointed…”

…I hated reading those words in the email from my boss.  I made a mistake and I know it, but the mistake isn’t the part that bothers me.

You see, I have been fighting my way back into a career that I lost a couple of years ago. I have been fighting my way to survive and trying to regain some semblance of self-respect when it comes to being successful. I feel like I have been working incredibly hard to prove myself again. I’m literally retracing my steps in a career I have already traversed and it is filled with frustration as I watch people with far less experience get promoted to positions I once held.  I’ve even been told that current management will not consider me (or others in similar circumstances) for the positions I used to hold.

At the same time, I’m working an advanced degree to leverage myself in case another market crash occurs and there are lay offs.  I hated being laid off and I am working on a degree in Data Analytics, because I feel like I can learn skills that can be applied in any industry. Obviously, working on a degree means working on homework.  Well, that’s what happened…

The other day, I had a report due for school and I, along with a co-worker (who happens to be someone that was my subordinate at one time) were asked to make a report summarizing a previous project. Well, bot reports were needed immediately.  Since, it is expected that the person who did the most work on the project due the report, I left it to my co-worker – who agreed to do it – and that left me the chance to work on my report for school.  I finished my work for school and my co-worker had not completed her report, yet.  I began emailing/texting her asking for it, and she got it to me a little late.

Literally, as I finally received her report, I got the email from my boss asking when the report was going to be delivered. I sent him a reply explaining that it was finished and that I hadn’t had the chance to review it, yet.  Then he replied explaining he was disappointed that it had not been finished, since we had time to do it.  I felt my heart sink…

It sank, because I want to do the best I possibly can and not meeting a standard is something I take personally.  I wanted to give up on everything at that moment. I wanted to let go of my job…walk away…quit trying, because it is so difficult to get ahead.  I felt the total weight of all of my responsibilities just pin me down in that moment.  I wanted to offer excuse, I wanted to lay blame on my co-worker, I wanted to send a reply that said, “Fuck off!” A number of emotions ran through me in that moment.

But I know, deep down, that I can’t let go of this job right now. The pay and benefits are great and it is meeting my financial obligations right now. So, I didn’t do anything I wanted to do and decided to send the report with a reply that was to the point and factual: “Here is the report. It was finished this morning, but I didn’t receive it until now.”

All I can do is keep trudging onward…

2 thoughts on ““Honestly, I’m disappointed…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s