What am I feeling?

Ever have those days where you feel compelled to write something…? Anything…?

I had a couple of topics I was thinking about writing about today. One was going to be titled, “Loneliness…?” and I decided, “Eff that…”, I already feel my mood darkening and I don’t want to hasten it into anything I don’t want to feel today.  I suffer from depression and since I refuse to use medication, I try and practice things that use decision making ability to make myself feel certain ways.  Sometimes, I try and avoid what I’m feeling altogether – but that’s isn’t always the best action either. And then this led me to the next topic I was going to discuss.

Today, I feel like being gay.  I’m not…I’m bisexual, as most of my online friends know.  But today, I feel particularly gay. I want to feel a little light on my feet, I want to plant some flowers, I want to sit down and watch 15 re-run episodes of Real Housewives, I want to…  Um…well…certain things I won’t describe here. I want to do some of the things that are stereotypically gay. I never feel completely right in my own mind, my own body, my own sexuality. But today, I just felt…gay. And it was exactly more positive feeling that the loneliness.

I’m not really writing about either topic today, however, because I couldn’t get past the first sentence of anything I wanted to say.  The feelings  of each were not really organized in my mind enough to get them on the screen and have them make one iota of sense, so really, this blog post today is about absolutely nothing at all.

13 thoughts on “What am I feeling?

  1. Yes! Omg. This. This is my last two days. Thank you. Mine also ended up being about practically nothing. I have the words in my head but they come out all wrong. In the wrong order. I can’t figure it out. Thanks for saying what I couldn’t. 🙂 Luckily I’ve already figured out I’m gay. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Me too! But take each one for what it is…burn it up at night like a friggin Phoenix and start reborn again tomorrow! I think the hardest part of depression and not feeling “good enough” is the ongoing battle we have with who we were yesterday. Every day is another opportunity to say “fuck that shit!” Today ima beat rock star! Reinventing YOU in little ways every single day is such a freeing experience. Some of this stuff really doesn’t fucking matter baby!!! You’re a diamond in the ruff but you still shine and don’t you forget it!!! ❤️ Don’t waste your time telling yourself anything different…cuz it just ain’t true! Focus 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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