Ever have those days where you feel compelled to write something…? Anything…?
I had a couple of topics I was thinking about writing about today. One was going to be titled, “Loneliness…?” and I decided, “Eff that…”, I already feel my mood darkening and I don’t want to hasten it into anything I don’t want to feel today. I suffer from depression and since I refuse to use medication, I try and practice things that use decision making ability to make myself feel certain ways. Sometimes, I try and avoid what I’m feeling altogether – but that’s isn’t always the best action either. And then this led me to the next topic I was going to discuss.
Today, I feel like being gay. I’m not…I’m bisexual, as most of my online friends know. But today, I feel particularly gay. I want to feel a little light on my feet, I want to plant some flowers, I want to sit down and watch 15 re-run episodes of Real Housewives, I want to… Um…well…certain things I won’t describe here. I want to do some of the things that are stereotypically gay. I never feel completely right in my own mind, my own body, my own sexuality. But today, I just felt…gay. And it was exactly more positive feeling that the loneliness.
I’m not really writing about either topic today, however, because I couldn’t get past the first sentence of anything I wanted to say. The feelings of each were not really organized in my mind enough to get them on the screen and have them make one iota of sense, so really, this blog post today is about absolutely nothing at all.