Fitness is Terrifying…?

I know what I want.  It’s something that’s been in my soul since I was a teen – to be in good health, fit, and active.  One of the things I’ve noticed, since the onset of depression, however, is that I have lost total interest in taking care of myself.  I used to always believe that positivity, happiness and health were choices.  I still believe it, but I have also come to realize that they are difficult choices.

I have mentioned to one of my followers – a wonderful friend carried over from my last blog – about my history with martial arts.  And last week, I shared a picture of myself with another friend on here and it is a picture of me wearing my taekwon-do uniform.  This friend, of course, offered encouragement to me to return to doing this. I took it as an implication that I already know what I need to do. But, the reality is that I am terrified to try it again.  I’m terrified for, what feels like, so many reasons.

You see, I hold a 5th degree blackbelt in this particular martial art.  I began practicing in 1988 and instantly fell in love with the awesome capabilities of the human body. I had participated in hundreds of competitions, various belt testings, demonstrations, taught hundreds of students, etc. I made a commitment to pushing myself to my limits and expanding on those limits.  I have broken boards and concrete tiles, I have fought hard, I have been inspirational to some. I had a proud and strong history of participating in taekwon-do.  All, up until I began experiencing depression and everything else in life that swallowed me up.

Now, I find that I hate what I have become and I recognize that the effort it will take to return to some semblance of what I was before is insurmountable.  The thought that I could drop weight to be where I was at my healthiest is such a massive (every pun intended) proposition, it almost seems like fighting a losing battle.  I know, I know…”mind over matter”, “focus”, “self-discipline”, and all of the other catch phrases that comes to mind in pushing forward to achieve a goal comes rushing in when I think about it.

This past weekend, I decided I would return to a kickboxing class I had signed up to take a couple of months ago.  And I decided I would go back this morning. But as the time approaches, I feel all of my anxiety filling me up and stopping me in my tracks. I have this tightening in my chest, my breathing is quickened, my eyesight is narrowing when I think about it.  The muscles in my arms and hands are clenching as I try and catch my breath.  The irrational physiological effects of fear and anxiety wash over me and as much as I tell myself I’m being stupid and silly, as much as I tell myself no one cares except for myself, as much as I tell myself I have to go through with this, the fear becomes my brick wall.

I have never felt such anxiety over anything like I do working out. I fear the commitment it will take. I fear the reality of feeling good and I am unsure if I know how to feel good anymore. I’m not sure how to handle it, since I have been so used to feeling miserable.  But the worst fear of all for me is that I will love it, want to pursue it, want to return to taekwon-do and then realize I won’t ever achieve anything I had hoped for…

I’m terrified to feel good…

7 thoughts on “Fitness is Terrifying…?

  1. When one suffers from depression, I do not think positivity and happiness are choices any more than negativity and sadness are. I don’t choose negativity and sadness… the feelings just happen… so how can I choose happiness or positivity? It sucks… but part of depression is not having control over those choices. At least that’s what I think… and what I’ve learned on my own and from ‘professionals’. That’s why we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not being able to ‘choose’ to be happy. Of course, I fail and blame myself anyway… So maybe I’m full of crap. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just start with the kick-boxing class you signed up for last week and see where it takes you. You deserve to feel good doing what you want and what you love to do. Don’t let anxiety make you lose this chance of being happy. You Can Handle This Again!

    Liked by 1 person

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