Deny change…

Today, I considered writing something self-deprecating about my health and weight.  Yesterday, I weighed myself and took a picture of myself in just my underwear.  I wanted to have a visualization of a starting point.  I considered posting that picture to show anyone who paid attention to my blog what my challenge really is going to be. And since I’m writing this on a whim, I might still post the pictures by the time I get to the end… I just don’t know, because I don’t like myself.

But I also could not help but want to deny myself the opportunity to change.  This word change has been an elusive concept to me for so long. I look for so many excuses not to make the changes that would be important in my life. And I can’t help but recognize that I have some major challenges right now and they are all weighing me down, but I do not want to deny myself what is truly needed any longer.

On the one hand, I feel like I posting all of my frustrations right now, because there are a lot. On the other hand, I feel like recognizing them today will set me back in my mind.  I’m literally worrying about worrying. But, there is something about acceptance that has the quality of relieving you from fault.  I have a lot going on, it’s the truth.  I don’t want the situation of my life to be true, but I can not deny it any longer. My life sucks right now, completely, and utterly.

But there is one thing I think I still have the ability to do: make a choice.  And I made a choice to keep trying.  On Monday, I did not make it to the gym to workout. I made up an excuse – or rather, I allowed something else to determine an outcome for me.  I have to make a change for my life and I have to accept that things are not going to be perfect. So, I have to do something about it.  I can no longer deny that I need to change. I will workout today and I will eat one thing good for me.

This is where I am beginning:

 

via Daily Prompt: Deny