I have struggled with the concept of God for as long as I have struggled with depression. I don’t see the two struggles as mutually exclusive. To me, they are struggles that have been intimately connected. The past couple of days, I have spent having some serious conversations – in my own head, of course – about the God-concept. I have discussed this ad nausea, for sure, but it’s a topic of mine that I can not ignore. It’s as real to me as the snow that fell in Colorado, yesterday (I love the snow, by the way…).
I can tell you, there are a number of things that occurred in my life that made me question the reality of God. I have long since rejected the faith of my youth – I was raised as a catholic – for a number of reasons. However, I had a conversation with my wife the other day about how detached I feel from any God. There are so many pains and hurts in this world, I can’t grasp that there is a God that cares about any of it.
Some of those pains became very real for many people at the beginning of last week. Some are horrors that people live on a daily basis. But for some, there are pains that merely involve acceptance and dealing with life, in general terms. Others have to deal with rejection and social harms. A lot of the pain I see in the world makes me question God and his (or what if it is actually a “her”) reality.
As someone that has an appreciation of science, I am naturally speculative about most things. Even my wife has despised my need to have things proven to me (It’s a pain in the ass sometimes…really). I’m not the kind of person that operates on blind faith and I’m not the kind of person that accepts other people’s arguments as set in stone. People are fickle, by nature, and the various forms of religions are exact examples of this fact.
Of course, this presents the argument that I need to read and find out for myself, right? I could read the bible, the Koran, or any other religious texts offered to me, if I asked. Well, who am I to decide if those are authentic or not? And the strictness involved in most religions really bother me, as well. I tend to want to believe a laid-back attitude when it comes to some things – especially “sexual morality”.
I’m bisexual. Some of you know that. But most religions look down on someone like me, at best, and are completely abhorrent about “alternative” sexualities, in general. Some would consider it a good thing that I am in a monogamous relationship with a woman and some religions would consider it still wrong and that I should never be married, because I couldn’t, supposedly, fulfill my wife’s needs within the marriage. I find that there is more concern about someone’s sexuality than there is about hurting children, for example. I find hypocrisy that runs rampant when it comes to sexual matters, within religions.
But with all this said, there are so many times I think the real reason I am depressed or struggle with things in life, is because I refuse any relationship with God. I have a tough time seeing anything about God that is real and authentic. I question religions, in general, I question what IS and what IS NOT right. And what if there is so much human element involved in the formation of religious philosophy, that the very nature of humans have distorted belief systems for some selfish agenda?
Today, I happen to be in a good mood, but I am still questioning so much around me…