I am currently three days into my current hitch at work and I am a little frustrated. One of the inevitabilities of my job is that I spend quite a bit of time working autonomously, as a result I tend to get a little lonely. Being alone causes me to contemplate a lot of things – truly an anxious person’s worst enemy. And it occasionally (who am I lying too? Actually more often than not) creates depression too. But for some reason, this particular time out, I’m struggling with it a little more.
I think the primary reason I’m struggling is because I know I’m really not very enthusiastic about this job. I’m good at it and I perform my duties well (hmm…that sort of makes me sound…ummm….well….nevermind, I’m just in a mood), but I am not passionate about it anymore. I’ve been trying to move back into a management position or even on to a different company, solely so I can jump start my concern level for work. As a result, I have been burrowing into myself and trying to keep from being negative about my situation.
Also, I feel like I have forgotten how to socialize with guys. EVERY single person I work with on this project is a guy and I have absolutely no contact with women. And I don’t really relate to guys very well. I’m not a huge fan of sports; I’m not a gear-head, so I have no knowledge of cars; I don’t hunt and haven’t been fishing in years, so that limits some interests these guys would have; and I’m not really into talking about what woman I want to bang or who has nice tits or anything like that. And, of course, not one of them knows I’m bisexual, so I doubt striking up a conversation about whatever hot guy I saw would give us anything to discuss either. So, without having much to discuss, it really limits the interactions I have with anyone here.
And I notices something else yesterday. There is one guy working here that was bugging me. When he talked to me, I’d get irritated. I didn’t like how smart he sounded. I didn’t like his smile. I didn’t like his eyes and I didn’t like… And then it hit me I’m EFFING ATTRACTED TO HIM!!!! And being married, I can’t engage in anything – not that I want to, because I have been trying to make my marriage work. No, I have chosen to steer clear, recognizing, that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. It’s truly for the best.
But this leaves me feeling totally and utterly alone. And I don’t like it, because I am just contemplating everything and anything and I am trying so hard to keep myself in the proper frame of mind. Yesterday, I began trying to focus on eating better, so I can lose weight; today, I notice myself snacking a little bit and I think it’s because I can’t keep my mind focused and aware of things. But I really don’t like this feeling…
It’s days like today, when I just wish I had some positive, healthy, friendships or some sort of working relationship with someone to keep me in the present…
Beyond my online friends, I don’t have anyone like that in my life either. It would be so nice to meet up and have a cup of coffee with a really good friend…
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Ell, if we lived close by, I’d offer to buy the first cup! 🙂
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Aww… thanks! The second is on me. 🙂
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😉
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Mind if I join y’all? 😃
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Table for three, coming up!
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Right on. 👍🏻
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