I think I need positive attention…

I am currently three days into my current hitch at work and I am a little frustrated.  One of the inevitabilities of my job is that I spend quite a bit of time working autonomously, as a result I tend to get a little lonely.  Being alone causes me to contemplate a lot of things – truly an anxious person’s worst enemy.  And it occasionally (who am I lying too? Actually more often than not) creates depression too. But for some reason, this particular time out, I’m struggling with it a little more.

I think the primary reason I’m struggling is because I know I’m really not very enthusiastic about this job.  I’m good at it and I perform my duties well (hmm…that sort of makes me sound…ummm….well….nevermind, I’m just in a mood), but I am not passionate about it anymore.  I’ve been trying to move back into a management position or even on to a different company, solely so I can jump start my concern level for work.  As a result, I have been burrowing into myself and trying to keep from being negative about my situation.

Also, I feel like I have forgotten how to socialize with guys.  EVERY single person I work with on this project is a guy and I have absolutely no contact with women.  And I don’t really relate to guys very well. I’m not a huge fan of sports; I’m not a gear-head, so I have no knowledge of cars; I don’t hunt and haven’t been fishing in years, so that limits some interests these guys would have; and I’m not really into talking about what woman I want to bang or who has nice tits or anything like that. And, of course, not one of them knows I’m bisexual, so I doubt striking up a conversation about whatever hot guy I saw would give us anything to discuss either. So, without having much to discuss, it really limits the interactions I have with anyone here.

And I notices something else yesterday.  There is one guy working here that was bugging me.  When he talked to me, I’d get irritated. I didn’t like how smart he sounded. I didn’t like his smile. I didn’t like his eyes and I didn’t like…  And then it hit me I’m EFFING ATTRACTED TO HIM!!!!  And being married, I can’t engage in anything – not that I want to, because I have been trying to make my marriage work. No, I have chosen to steer clear, recognizing, that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.  It’s truly for the best.

But this leaves me feeling totally and utterly alone. And I don’t like it, because I am just contemplating everything and anything and I am trying so hard to keep myself in the proper frame of mind.  Yesterday, I began trying to focus on eating better, so I can lose weight; today, I notice myself snacking a little bit and I think it’s because I can’t keep my mind focused and aware of things.  But I really don’t like this feeling…

It’s days like today, when I just wish I had some positive, healthy, friendships or some sort of working relationship with someone to keep me in the present…

7 thoughts on “I think I need positive attention…

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