Today, I have a strong sense of relief.
As this past weekend occurred, I felt a huge dark cloud move in. That dark cloud, of course, is depression. It’s something I’m used to and I have not totally been able to understand what causes these things, but I have gotten much better at predicting when the stormy looking mood is beginning to cover me. I typically see these moods coming and my tendency is to burrow into myself and hide myself from anything and everything – needless to say that I haven’t always used the most positive coping skills. And I have to admit, I was a little worried this weekend.
I can say, a lot of the ways I have dealt with depression and anxiety have not been ideal in recent years. I seek happiness and a way to relieve stress. Unfortunately, some of those choices have involved drinking too much, eating too much, boning too much (I jest slightly, but in all seriousness, I had been over-sexual in a lot of ways to deal with stress and depression), and even put so much attention into some “hobby” that I check out on life.
Last week I made a decision to begin taking care of myself because my health should be the most important thing I worry about. Well, as the depression settled into my mind, I began to neglect my diet and on Sunday at it’s highest, I chose not to concern myself with such trivial matters as eating right. Really, I simply stepped back from tracking my food, but I ate somewhat decently yesterday – maybe a little extra. But, by the end of the day, yesterday, I felt horrible – I lacked sleep, I lacked any activity for an entire day and my mind was in a kazillion places and I couldn’t focus on anything.
By the end of the day, when I finally got some sleep, I was concerned about how I would wake up. I was concerned that I would be in a much worse mood. But, this morning, I woke up and ate some oatmeal and drank a cup of coffee and I noticed I didn’t feel as bad as yesterday.
I’m not sure what caused the mood to leave. Maybe it was sleep or maybe it was waiting it out or maybe it was not making any decisions that were detrimentally misguided in seeking temporary happiness, but I feel a sense of relief today.
I don’t anticipate any major excitement today. I don’t anticipate any major problems being solved. I don’t imagine anything happening that would create some sort of major happiness, but I do know that I don’t feel like absolute crap today.
I like this feeling. I feel like I might be able to focus on things I need to do for a change.