***Warning: I am 100% sure this post will use the “F-word”, because I find it is perfect motivation for this Wednesday morning.***
Several days ago, I mentioned that I felt like I finally hit bottom. I finally reached the point where I was so fucking sick of feeling sorry for myself. I think what finally did it, is hearing one of my own children telling me I was always negative. It hit me like, “What the fuck?!?! I’m the most positive mother fucker around?!?!?!” Obviously, I didn’t say that to my kid…she’s got a filthy mouth as it is, I certainly didn’t need to add to it. She was right – and I also realize I’ll be stating the obvious, but I had become a victim and adopted a victim mentality to my own life. I’m truly horrified by this proposition.
So, I made a fucking decision that I will face my challenges with dignity, pride, and a sense of desire to handle my shit for no other reason than it’s my fucking responsibility to do it. And, I began to say “Fuck it” to everything weighing me down and just pose the challenges in terms of something really fucking simple: Either I do something or I do nothing and which outcome would I prefer? Well, I began to tackle some things I’ve been letting go, because I was spending so much fucking time, feeling fucking sorry for myself.
Being fat is one of those fucking things. I fucking hate it, so why was I fucking wallowing in self-pity and feeling like I’ll never be a sexy bitch again and stuffing fucking Oreos into my mouth because it made me feel better? The truth of the fucking matter is this: I don’t like where I’m at with respect to my health, well being and even looks, so why the fuck am I not doing something about it? Honestly? The “why” of it all doesn’t really fucking matter. I don’t like it, so I need to fucking change it. So, I will be attending kickboxing classes when I can. I can’t attend all the time, thankfully, because I do have a job – but what the fuck is keeping me from going when I can? Probably the fucking Oreos! (And BAM, I solved two fucking problems, just like that!) So, I don’t need to beat myself up over the imperfections – anything I fucking do is a step in the right fucking direction! I’ve also been tracking my food intake and I’m fucking shocked at how much shit was going down my throat. So, I decided I don’t need to overwhelm myself with EVERYTHING I need to fucking know; I just need to make a small fucking change here and there and over time, that shit should build up.
Another challenge to my life, that I have mentioned are my problems with my career. The bottom line is this – I am not putting myself 100% into my work and I’m expecting changes to go the way I want. If I were honest, I wouldn’t fucking hire me either. That’s the bottom fucking line. But on the other hand, I also have to fucking accept where I’m at in life and I have to do the best fucking job I can. I used to take pride in my work, regardless of how much I liked it, it’s a symbol of pride for me. So, I need to step the fuck up and do what I know I am capable of doing. Does it mean I shouldn’t pursue what the fuck I want to pursue? Fuck no! That’s why I am taking some online classes and doing my best to better myself, so I can escape the job I’m doing and find something else. And I had mentioned that I was so far behind, but I’m responsible for this. So, I took two nights and focused, totally and utterly, in getting caught up and guess what? That’s right, I’m on fucking fire and accomplishing shit!
And it feels good! So fucking good!
I’m not going to lie, there are other challenges in my life I still need to face. And I know they really can’t be avoided, because they are truly a deep and intricate part of who I am. But I am going to tackle these in a similar manner – I’ll ask myself, how does my decision change the outcome and will I be happy with the outcome?