After having such a great day, yesterday, it bothered me that I had a difficult time sleeping last night. My thoughts were sporadic, racing, and in need of being addressed. ?Unfortunately, I was having a difficult time sorting them out and trying to deal with the things that needed to be handled – or do they? See, that’s kind of the problem with me, I realize I create my own problems and issues and when I can’t reconcile it in my head, I begin to ignore and avoid it until it builds up in my mind and it begins to ooze out of every orifice of my body.
You see, something has been eating at me, and it shouldn’t, but it does eat at me: my sexuality. I posted about my sexuality, previously – hell, I had an entire blog before this one (I really regret deleting it) – and I am bisexual. Well, I promised myself that my sexuality needs to be a part of who I am and not the definition of who I am. It’s part of the reason I deleted my last blog, I felt like my thoughts and the things I had to say about my sexuality were overwhelming all of my thoughts and all of my expression. In fact, it seemed to be the only thing anyone wanted to speak with me about. I felt I got more followers and more interest in me over that topic than anything else. And I’m not going to lie, I needed it. I needed to be validated and I needed to be authenticated on the matter. So that blog, helped me, tremendously in accepting myself – or so I thought.
You see, as much as I want my sexuality to simply be a fact, I am still having thoughts that tell me I have not come to terms with it. In fact, I find myself contemplating why it’s even important to me – especially because I am married, a father, and 45 years old. Why should it even matter? I should be okay, simply accepting myself as I am and recognize that my values and principles are not different because of my sexuality; rather, the principles and values should be what defines me and not my sexuality. My sexuality should be no more important than liking chocolate ice cream or not. But I think, the reality, is that it is highly relevant when it comes to how we interact with other people – especially in intimate relationships.
If you’ve followed my past blogs, for any timeframe, you already realize that my marriage has had some major ups and downs, and I have even been questioned about my relationship with respect to my sexuality. This is the “never satisfied” argument that various anti-bi people use when trying to deny the existence of bisexuality. And, I’m not suggesting in the last statement of the previous paragraph, that somehow I’m unsatisfied, sexually, with my wife – that’s FAR from the truth. No, my marriage has had other issues, issues that have extended since we met. And trust me, I did go through a time when I felt, subconsciously, that I couldn’t make the marriage work BECAUSE of my sexuality; but this is simply no different an argument than a heterosexual facing any temptation from outside of the marriage. No, the reality is that is a question of behavior and not a question of genetics.
The point I’m trying to make is that I have not accepted my sexuality as it is. Today, when I logged on to Twitter, I saw a hash-tag that trending – #SpiritDay – and it’s about making a pledge to support kids that identify as LGBTQ+. I began to fill out the form and even considered making a donation. But, almost in an instant, I deleted everything, because the idea of being “outted” is a terrifying proposition for me, and I mentioned it here – Coming Out Day. Although, my wife is well aware of my sexuality, it is not something that is discussed too often and I really didn’t want to explain the withdrawal that would be made out of our bank account to support this cause. And so, it didn’t help my thoughts from last night, much.
Also, I think about the past, and in my last blog, I detailed many of my past events that were relevant to my romantic and sexual relationships. These impacted me in many ways and being able to open up in my blog and talk about these things, I was overwhelmed with the amount of support I received from so many people. I had so many people beginning to follow my blog, I think I began to get scared about the impact. You see, I have this thing about me where I take things serious – and the shit felt like it was getting real and causing me some real anxiety. I can’t bare (or bear? I am bi, after all…bad gay joke?) the idea that I could be anyone’s hero, because it involves some major responsibility. I had so many of you (& others) tell me, privately, and openly how much my story and message might be so helpful to others. I can’t deal with that, honestly…and I don’t mean any offense by it, but it’s true.
And then, read someone else’s post today (Rosie is one of my favorite bloggers, by the way. Spend some time checking out her posts). As I read it, I began to realize I spend a lot of time worrying about things. I spend a lot of time contemplating my past, my actions and I could relate to this post in a lot of ways. But this author said something that really hit me upside the head…
“How do I accept the past when the bad times simply blind me? I want to enjoy the life I’ve lived, not regret it.”