I had someone once tell me that I am an empathy – the idea that I feel what others feel. I’m not sure if that’s the case or not, but I have noticed that I feel. I truly, truly feel and the problem is that I don’t grasp and handle them very well. I don’t understand them all that well. But, a few years ago, when I was seeing a therapist for my depression, she began to encourage me to recognize my feelings and emotions – because I am an avoider (that can be an entire post all on its own). She was trying to get me to verbalize when something made me feel sad or anxious or angry or whatever.
Well, I have tried to be more aware of those things. For example, I felt something sink my mood in a major way tonight. And it’s the kind of irrational thing that went through my mind that had my mood sink and my energy collapse and made me wonder why I feel sad about so many things. I’m going to post a couple of those things. They cross my mind and sink me like there is no tomorrow…
- I’m from Colorado and the massive growth of population and development has absolutely crushed me. I’ve always loved hiking and I feel like I can’t connect to it anymore like I used to do when I was a kid and my dad would take me and my siblings hiking in the mountains. There used to be this sense of awe and wonder that I had going into the mountains. I always felt like I wanted to live in the mountains. In fact, I had this little dream where I lived in a cabin and I wouldn’t let people drive to it. They would have to park down the hill and either ride a horse or hike up the hillside to get to my house. Now, there is so much development in Colorado, even those places that used to feel secluded, no longer are. Every time I Take a drive in the mountains, every hiking trip, every mountain town I visit, is now a reminder of how I can never have those child hood dreams again.
- Tonight is the Orionidas Meteor Shower. I love astronomy. In fact, astronomy is what led me to my love of science, which led me to my love of chemistry, which led me to go to a top-notch engineering school and go to work in a career I thought I would love. Except one little thing – I am not passionate about what I do anymore. I’m not passionate, because I feel like working and life and all of the things that go into responsibility, killed my natural awe at nature, killed my inquisitiveness about the world and universe around us.
- My changing values. Today, I was looking at Facebook and realized my values have changed, tremendously. And I realize, that they are now tainted with the experiences of real world problems, challenges that we face as adults. But I know some of the things I used to believe growing up are no longer the same. Honestly, I have to admit that I am kinda saddened at some of the things I no longer believe, and yet, don’t want to believe, because they no longer seem real or relevant.
There are other things. There are things, that when I feel them, there is genuine, physical pain when I experience the sadness. It’s hard to explain it, because it’s not like a localized pain, as if you have been hit in the gut, but a pain that emanates throughout your entire body.
But rather, than ignoring these feelings, I recognize them now. I recognize them, but the danger for me is that I experience the sadness, desolation, and pain that these things make me feel. And I always run the risk of being set in a mood that lasts for days on end. I recognize them, I can call them by name, but I feel helpless against them.