I think, as I come out of this most recent depressive episode, that my thoughts are very pragmatic. I’m looking at my life, the lack of passion I feel about everything, and I’m starting to think that the problem is that I’m not looking for a reason to live, a purpose, a cause, if you will. Something that makes every other struggle in life worth the life you live. And, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt.
Why the guilt, you might ask? Well, I am a husband and father, and one would think that my family should be my primary purpose in life. And it is, but maybe the fact that my kids are getting older has a lot to do with the feeling. Two of my kids are adults and one is a teen, so they do not need their mom and I as much as they used to. And both my wife and I have realized we have not cultivated any relationships outside of each other and there is a major feeling and sense of boredom with each other.
This morning, she and I were having a conversation about this. Of course, it doesn’t help that I have a job that has me away from home for two weeks at a time. But we both recognize we are in a serious state of stagnation and we both feel defeated. The encouraging thing is that we are talking about it and not arguing or fighting. I think we are both at a place where we are open and ready for change. We simply don’t know how or what to do. And many of the mental health issues I have, are similar to the ones she has – namely anxiety and depression, so we deal with emotional matters in most things.
With all of this going on, and with how I’ve been feeling lately, I simply feel like I’ve lost my sense of purpose – nothing seems to be important anymore. I’d like to find something to help my wife spark her interest, spark my interest and five us a feeling of being needed.
The major problem?
I have no idea what I care about anymore…