I heard once, when I was in high school, a quote from someone that went something like, “Live your life in such a way that you have no regrets”. I don’t remember who that quote is attributed to and I’m sure I fudged this, but it’s the essence of the quote in which I am focused. I always wanted that to be the case and I always wanted to feel proud of the person I am or have become. I modeled myself after people that I felt had great values and tried implementing and using the principles others had used to be successful in life. I always assumed that if I lived a life of discipline and principle, my life would end up okay.
My life didn’t end up that way. I wasn’t always successful with everything I wanted to do. There have been times when I sacrificed my values and principles, for whatever reason, and there have been times that I was strictly rigid with them. And I can’t find a rhyme or reason to anything. As a result, I have major regrets. I have so many regrets, I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to list them all.
But they are there.
I’ve noticed something else that creates discontent in my psyche. There are people I look at, or read their blogs, or see them speak, or read what they write or whatever way I observe these various people. And when I observe some of these distinct people, I find myself feeling enamored. I don’t mean enamored with them in a sexual or romantic sense of the word, but I find myself falling in love with these people from the qualities they possess. A lot of them have principles I used to believe, they are positive, decent and encouraging people. But more importantly, they are not me.
I, inadvertently, do the one thing that destroys self-esteem: I compare myself to others. Some of these people, I want to be just like them, but I realize I will never be able to hold a candle to some of these people. Some are very attractive, and I am not. Some are very intelligent, I don’t feel too smart. Some are extremely positive, and I can’t muster it anymore. Some are focused on being good to others, I can’t step out of myself and my own thoughts and worries. Some believe in a God or Jesus Christ with a profound faith, that I doubt I’ll ever be able to understand/handle/accept. Some have passion and purpose in life, I wallow in self-pity. Some rise above a mentality of victimhood, and I sink in like it’s a quicksand I can’t escape. Some of these people display what could be described as moral, and I feel vile. These people are down to earth, and I feel like I can never feel stable.
I look at these people, I’m completely enamored with them. I want to be like them. I want to feel as happy as they feel. I want to have the level of respect these people have. I am, simply…