Thirty minutes ago, I had made a decision that if I couldn’t write anything nice and positive today, I wouldn’t write at all. 30 minutes previous to that, I was in an all out attack on myself about everything I hated…again. And I felt like I am seriously, reliving anything/everything that impacts me in a negative manner. It’s a circle I can’t seem to escape and that circle seems to be spiraling inward on itself.
I have gotten to a point where I am, literally, sick of myself. I even felt like I have finally hit bottom, so I made decisions that I need to get myself into gear and have found a day…simply one day…where I feel like I am getting ahead. But, like before, it merely takes a few hours and my mind spins back into a cesspool of failure and negativity. I’d compare it to a rash that never seems to go away, but I think I would welcome a rash over this bullshit I feel all of the time.
And I hate it, most of all, because I know what it’s like to feel good. I know what it’s like to feel like your whole life is a playground and you’re having the time of your life. What I can’t do, however, is make it feel like it used to feel. I can’t find the patterns of thought in my head that makes it all work right. I can’t feel “okay” about my life and I feel like the ways I try and change things do nothing but set me back further. And, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be patient with myself.
I mentioned a lot of this to my wife, yesterday. She and I had an argument, recently, about something and she expressed her concern about me, and so, I wanted to express to her what I had been feeling. She said, “You used to be the one I came to for advice. You used to rely on God and you would be the one to encourage me to believe… Why don’t you do that for yourself?” I cringed. The mere mention of God, Jesus, a Higher Power makes me cringe.
I don’t want to believe in a God anymore – especially a God that finds people like me to be an “abomination”. I can’t stand the ideas surrounding the faith I no longer accept. But I think, what I hate more than anything is the fact that I can’t be someone people look up to anymore. No one finds anything useful from me. I’m a shell, an empty shell that lacks any substance that matters. I explained this to my wife and her response to me was, “I hate my life too. I hate everything we’re going through, but believing in God is the only thing I can trust right now. It’s the only thing carrying me through.” I didn’t know what to say to that. I don’t want to diminish what works for anyone else, but I can’t bring myself to do that.
But maybe I’m wrong…
…maybe I’m completely fucking wrong.
In fact, I know I’m wrong. Doesn’t it stand to reason that if everything I’m doing isn’t getting me where I want to be, then it stands to reason that I am fucking wrong. My methods, obviously suck. My wife said something to me, that helps reinforce the shit I already feel. Although she said she didn’t want me to take it personally, because she only means it as something I should think about, but she said I am a follower. It cuts through me. I’ve always wanted to be a leader. I’ve always wanted people’s respect and I’ve always felt I would be the kind of man people would look up to. And her statement was akin to me being the worthless sack of flesh I already feel like.
I just think I’m fucked up.
Seriously, and utterly, fucked up.
And I have more to say, but my thoughts are now turning to mush…
Maybe I should not give up, so I can come write about it again.
But maybe, people are as sick of reading it as I am writing it – or feeling it.