I don’t feel right.

Thirty minutes ago, I had made a decision that if I couldn’t write anything nice and positive today, I wouldn’t write at all.  30 minutes previous to that, I was in an all out attack on myself about everything I hated…again.  And I felt like I am seriously, reliving anything/everything that impacts me in a negative manner. It’s a circle I can’t seem to escape and that circle seems to be spiraling inward on itself.

I have gotten to a point where I am, literally, sick of myself. I even felt like I have finally hit bottom, so I made decisions that I need to get myself into gear and have found a day…simply one day…where I feel like I am getting ahead. But, like before, it merely takes a few hours and my mind spins back into a cesspool of failure and negativity. I’d compare it to a rash that never seems to go away, but I think I would welcome a rash over this bullshit I feel all of the time.

And I hate it, most of all, because I know what it’s like to feel good. I know what it’s like to feel like your whole life is a playground and you’re having the time of your life.  What I can’t do, however, is make it feel like it used to feel. I can’t find the patterns of thought in my head that makes it all work right.  I can’t feel “okay” about my life and I feel like the ways I try and change things do nothing but set me back further. And, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be patient with myself.

I mentioned a lot of this to my wife, yesterday. She and I had an argument, recently, about something and she expressed her concern about me, and so, I wanted to express to her what I had been feeling.  She said, “You used to be the one I came to for advice. You used to rely on God and you would be the one to encourage me to believe…  Why don’t you do that for yourself?”  I cringed.  The mere mention of God, Jesus, a Higher Power makes me cringe.

I don’t want to believe in a God anymore – especially a God that finds people like me to be an “abomination”. I can’t stand the ideas surrounding the faith I no longer accept. But I think, what I hate more than anything is the fact that I can’t be someone people look up to anymore.  No one finds anything useful from me.  I’m a shell, an empty shell that lacks any substance that matters. I explained this to my wife and her response to me was, “I hate my life too. I hate everything we’re going through, but believing in God is the only thing I can trust right now. It’s the only thing carrying me through.”  I didn’t know what to say to that.  I don’t want to diminish what works for anyone else, but I can’t bring myself to do that.

But maybe I’m wrong…

…maybe I’m completely fucking wrong.

In fact, I know I’m wrong.  Doesn’t it stand to reason that if everything I’m doing isn’t getting me where I want to be, then it stands to reason that I am fucking wrong.  My methods, obviously suck. My wife said something to me, that helps reinforce the shit I already feel.  Although she said she didn’t want me to take it personally, because she only means it as something I should think about, but she said I am a follower.  It cuts through me. I’ve always wanted to be a leader. I’ve always wanted people’s respect and I’ve always felt I would be the kind of man people would look up to. And her statement was akin to me being the worthless sack of flesh I already feel like.

I just think I’m fucked up.

Seriously, and utterly, fucked up.

And I have more to say, but my thoughts are now turning to mush…

Maybe I should not give up, so I can come write about it again.

But maybe, people are as sick of reading it as I am writing it – or feeling it.

18 thoughts on “I don’t feel right.

  1. People always tell me to write what I feel if I need to. I do that sometimes. But sometimes I don’t because it makes me wallow in it and I feel worse. And like you… I worried I was talking about my fucked-up-ness too much and people HAD to be getting sick of it… I know I was/am. BUT I noticed that over the last week or so, not writing about it has actually helped me feel better. Maybe it’s only because I’m not dwelling on it. I really don’t know. But I think sometimes I need a break… and it’s just that I don’t usually let myself have one.

    Anyway… I wish I could offer some solutions (for you and for me). But for now, sort of ignoring things is helping me. And now, I need to get myself out of the house, something I’ve been struggling with lately. And I need to hurry up before I talk myself out of it… again.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think you’re very strong. You have accomplished many things and will accomplish many more. Just because you feel stuck for now does not eradicate those. And so what if your goals are still not yet to be achieved? Forward movement doesn’t have to be quick in order for there to be progress made. You can have setbacks and bad days, but so long as you acknowledge them and work at – no matter how many times it takes – to get past them, then you’re always on the right track. And I strongly believe you are the type of person that has what it takes to persevere on and see those goals one day met. You don’t have to be wearing any shoes at all in order for you to correct me and tell me I’m wearing mine on the wrong feet. I did find your wife’s comment somewhat insensitive, even if not intended to be so. Those who practice tough love sometimes forget the love part.
    You are still that same person you’ve always been and still have all of that inside you. Perhaps you have set the wrong goals for yourself and find yourself without the wherewithal to want to pursue them? That is always a consideration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you currently are, unless you are being inconsiderate to those around you.
    I am not online much as of late, yet when I am you are one of a few of my must read pages. We have some very different issues, yet I think we have had somewhat similar journeys, and I feel a connection to your writing. If it takes writing this all out to help you work out your thoughts, then who cares if others tire of your momentary singlemindedness? I may not always be commenting or liking (I have been following along somewhat covertly through my email subscription), but felt the need to comment today to let you know some of us are still here and still rooting for you. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 ❤
      I don't know what to say, other than, "Thank you". I think one of the most difficult things for me to admit is that I still need a pat on the back…and I hate it, because I was once told by someone I look up to that the defining difference between an adult and a child is that an adult doesn't need to be told they are doing the right thing. Unfortunately for me, I listen to quite a bit what is told to me, so my wife's critique is not something I would take lightly. It causes me to contemplate and think.
      But I truly appreciate your encouragement and I value what you told me today.
      Thank you, so much, my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ridiculous!! We all require ongoing validation, though as adults it is expected that we should settle for it in terms of monetary compensation or a promotion or kudos for a job well done, and that should be enough. Or to expect that if we don’t hear negative feedback that we should simply assume that we’re doing alright. And that is not good enough. The next time your wife wears a new outfit or gets her hair done, try not commenting or complimenting her on it and see how long you live to tell the tale! When I need to hear it, I’ll even admit to going so far as to jokingly tell my guy, ‘It is appropriate for you to now compliment or say something nice to or about me here’ 😉
        I just recently sent an email to our regional manager to let her know how our local supervisor had really stepped up and to tell her of all of the work she had been putting in as of late… things have been insane, and she has been going over and beyond as of late, yet I realized finally that while we were all getting praised and thanked, that my superiors rarely received any positive reinforcement. That manager then got in touch with my supervisor to let her know what a great job she had been doing. She was so pleased that she actually shared it with some of us (not inappropriately, in the context it was done in). You could tell the difference in her after that. On a side note, I wonder if she was also informed who had contacted the rm, as I mysteriously have a string of Fridays off in a row now!
        Do not fret so, and just keep on plugging away at your goals. You are doing great xo

        Liked by 2 people

  3. After reading all written here, some of it excellent advice, all I can send is HUGS and love and light baby. You got this! It’s okay to need confirmation and validation…until you don’t. None of us would be who and where we are without it. Stay sweet. And please stop beating yourself up. Life is way to short for that. Live in the expression of you and revel in the beauty of your being. We are all perfectly flawed. It’s what makes us human. Welcome to race! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Funny that I found this today. I am having one of those days where I feel some sort of depression, but after thinking a bit I realize that it’s just fucking life. This is as good as it gets and the feeling of self-doubt will only get stronger because we are only getting older and have less time to accomplish what we ‘should’ have done. But here’s the thing…. we are going to D.I.E. And then what?

    As I read your post, I what stuck out is the consistent message of you trying to be patient with yourself. What helps sometimes is thinking about who the ‘yourself’ is that needs patience. And who the ‘you’ is that is expected to be understanding and less critical. There is power in allowing what is to be just that, what it is. You don’t have to do anything besides be ‘you’. We are all doing the best we can with expectations and the heap of shit that is the world. But at the end of the day, we have to be conscious that we are okay, and maybe that’s God, or something you would call a different name. It sounds like you have the patience with your wife, even if her thinking may be flawed in your opinion.

    I enjoy your writing. It is very honest and relate-able. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there in the world. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by and reading. That day was a tough day. Honestly, I’m trying to just accept things and not try to change them, if I can’t. Sometimes, I think it’s okay to recognize our limits.

      And I really appreciate your compliment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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