“But you’re married…”

Today, I was perusing some of the blogs that are written by bisexuals and/or written about bisexuality, because…duh…

…I’m bisexual and I’m cute like that!  (Just kidding…a little…okay, not at all).

Anyways, while reading some of them, there were a few that recognized that there is a common assumption that bisexuals cannot be happy in one relationship – a la mental health issues (It’s commonly accepted in the mental health community that bisexuals have more mental health problems than other demographics, but I am not taking the time to cite this right now). The idea and mischaracterization behind this stereotype is that us bisexuals cannot be fulfilled by just one gender, therefore it only stands to reason that we cannot be in a monogamous relationship.  Of course, if one is “picking” a gender to be with in a relationship, then it stands to reason that there is a side of the fence you are playing.  But this isn’t accurate, at all, for many bisexuals – maybe some, but not all.

The reason I’m mentioning this, is because I had been involved in a conversation with someone about my own sexuality and when I mentioned that I was married, the other person practically crapped herself asking, “But you’re bisexual, how can you be married…?”  Of course, I took it in kind and responded with, “I can’t imagine how you keep all of the cocks out of you, being heterosexual…how do you do it?”  (In all fairness, she has a good sense of humor, so I felt I could get away with the joke). I think this misconception that bisexuals are constantly looking for the next person to bed is a very common stereotype and it is simply not true.  Of course, it aligns with another misconception that when you become serious in a relationship with someone you are somehow “picking a side”.  Let me address both issues: being monogamous and picking a side.

What does it take to be in a monogamous relationship?  I find this funny, because all of us, regardless of who we are have physical attractions based upon our sexuality – some are people feel it stronger than others. But I would suspect that attraction and decisions are individualistic. On the one had, we are attracted to who we are attracted to, regardless of anything else. I have always ascribed to a theory that there is a combination of environmental (i.e. nurturing behaviors) influences on our sexuality, as well as biological (i.e. natural) influences.  With this in mind, I believe that there is a choice to be monogamous with someone or not.  Since we all have attractions, I would suspect that the decision to be faithful or loyal to someone is going to appeal to what you have been nurtured to do – are you a trustworthy person or not?  This involves decisions, pure and simple. Of course, that doesn’t address the issue of physical attraction, which might be stronger with some people than others, but the essence of this aspect of sexuality is that it is the part we are born with and what we do with it is what defines our character.

Of course, I’ve heard this issue extrapolated as “bisexual people are twice as likely to cheat”; but this is blatantly untrue.  The only way this could be true is by also claiming that heterosexual people are attracted to ALL members of the opposite sex, but they are not, because each person has his or her own individual tastes in people – bisexuals are the same. Trust me, there are some women I find absolutely gorgeous and some men I find are incredibly hot, but there are some women and men, unfortunately, that I find repulsive (What?!  Don’t hate, it happens to us all!).

The other issue I mentioned is the idea that being monogamous means “picking a side”.  This is simply a fallout ( or a side effect?  It’s a poor descriptor, I know) of getting into a relationship. Although, I suspect heterosexual people have a natural bias of picking someone of an opposite gender before getting to the point they are in love, bisexual people may or may not have a so-called “preference”, but it isn’t a requirement for us.  Granted, I married someone that was the opposite gender as myself, but the complexities behind this “selection” is individualistic in nature.  The reality is, for most bisexuals, they tend to select partners based on who they find an emotional connection to – their partners may or may not be aligned similarly to heterosexuals in that respect, but it’s not relevant to the bisexual.  Also, sometimes relationships end – breakups, or losing a partner to something tragic, etc.; so the idea that a side is picked, sort of implies that there is no possibility for a bisexual to have the ability to love anyone else again. This is, simply, not true.

I realize this is kind of a boring topic. It’s certainly something I had discussed in previous blogs that I kept. Actually, I wasn’t even going to discuss my sexuality much on this blog, because I kind of feel like I am at a point where there isn’t a need for me to go on and on and on and on about my sexuality – it just is; and whatever I choose to do about it is my business anyways.  But what I read about today and the recent conversation I had about my sexuality made me feel like discussing it again. So, I appreciate anyone that followed along and feels like commenting – even if you disagree, I value people’s thoughts and feelings.

25 thoughts on ““But you’re married…”

  1. I think it ridiculous to think a bisexual can’t be in a long-term monogamous relationship. Love is rarely about sex alone. It’s emotionally based, generally speaking. And just because you’re attracted to each sex equally does not mean that if you choose to be in a long-term with male or female that you’re going to cheat, are picking a side, or that you secretly seek the opposite sex of who you’re with at the time. It simply means you met someone you were attracted to, enjoyed their company, then committed to that person. Whether that person is male or female is really of little consequence. God, people are really such narrow minddd and ignorant about anything outside their little bubble. Infuriating. 😠

    Liked by 3 people

      1. If they were trying to educate themselves, then that’s fantastic. I was referring to ones who have no interest in being open minded about this and a host of other issues, all the while blindly hating it and other issues based solely on the differences outside their blinder-obscured tiny worlds. I’m glad they were being curious rather than critical.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think this is a vital topic and an open, continued discourse is the only way to keep the conversation moving. I find Bisexuals have to defend themselves to people whom identify as either straight or gay. As much as conversations are necessary to relate to each other better through communicative education it can get tiresome when you have to define and defend yourself over and over. I’m in a long-term, fully committed relationship and have two kids. I still consider myself bisexual regardless of that fact. I’ve always considered a person’s sexuality as an almost spiritual journey as well as physical. I’ve seen a person’s life unravel in destructive ways because they’ve denied themselves that journey of finding out where they lie on this particular spectrum. Anyways, that’s just my fragmented take on it. This is a wonderful post, it’s inviting and clear and humorous. Thanks for opening up the door for this dialogue. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow! Thank you, so much, for such a warm and encouraging comment. Yes, I agree with you about opening up the communication. I kept a blog previous to this one that I explored my sexuality much more than I ever have before. I was one of those that could have easily headed down the path of self-destruction to come to a place of self-acceptance, but I did not and it’s because I had so much warmth and encouragement here.

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      1. That’s so wonderful to hear, I love that! It makes me want to be braver in future content I plan to write about. It can be hard to find some form of solace and understanding in this particular social media climate but WordPress seems to draw out more compassion and intention from people which is nice to experience. I’m enjoying it so far even if I do feel a surge of anxiety when I push the publish button.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think as we become older time can stitch the rawness up and we settle into a more comfortable space, which of course is earned but I miss the rush of it all, even if it’s terror..lol

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ultimately you have little choice who your heart head and soul falls in love with.
    I think if people stopped being their sexuality and just started being them selves… understanding would be easier.
    My heart has loved and dated men and women not their sexuality but them as a person.
    I enjoy your writings

    Liked by 2 people

  4. WordPress showed me this post as a suggestion right under your most recent post, so I am here a few months late. :)) After reading it I just wanted to say I fully agree with what others have said, it’s definitely anything but boring… it’s very helpful. I had two same-gender friends who fell in love (and married), and yet oriented towards opposite gender before that. When they “came out,” very quietly and gradually, they explained it as being “bi,” if I remember right, although they were monogamous; which I understood spiritually (i.e. we can love anyone regardless of gender), but I could not understand in detail as to the “sexuality” of it in terms of the language (“bi”-sexual) juxtaposed with “mono”-gamy)… I was curious to ask many questions of course, but had no idea how to about ask things without putting my proverbial foot in my mouth (that last being something I have done a lot). Also it felt like they were very self-conscious about it, which is understandable when they were just figuring things out themselves, but which also made open conversation seem more difficult. However, they were very kind and forgiving about the times I did put my foot in my mouth, which was certainly encouraging and made me respect them all the more.

    For example one time, hanging out with them and chatting about random things, I used that old now-awful-seeming childhood expression when talking about something distasteful (well it was common in our childhood schools anyway, which my friends and I had all attended): “OMG. That’s so gay.” It had nothing to do with them, it was about something totally unrelated to “gayness.” Just complete thoughtlessness on my part. (To be fair, probably my friends had used this expression too, before they realized). Immediately, one friend called me out on the expression, saying, smiling, while looking at me pointedly, “And… that (i.e. “being gay”)’s a *good* thing, right?” Thereby getting me to think about the true meaning of a hitherto mindlessly-used expression.

    I nearly died of mortification on the spot, realizing what the origins of the expression actually meant; i.e. that it was meant to be derogatory WHILE referring to a person’s sexual orientation at the same time, and therefore inadvertently insulting my (recently “out”) friends! But I was also grateful. My friend could have been angry about my stupidity in this situation, but instead she had been kind, gently and humorously helping me understand that my language needed examination. Sometimes language carries prejudices that the speakers are not thinking about nor intending when they use it. It’s nice when others find compassionate ways of pointing that out. A little humour always does wonders.

    Anyway, your own joke to your friend also made things suddenly very clear, in a very funny way! And we all learn from that. So thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my goodness this is so sweet! Thank you, this feels very good to hear. I have the same feeling when it comes to others and what *they* say, but I worry so much about offending others it’s crippling! And I will beat myself up for years afterwards! But I still am grateful for their honesty, as I am (very!) grateful for yours, here now 💛 I guess I love hearing others’ candid opinions more than anything.

        Liked by 1 person

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