Unstable Ground?

I discovered something last night.  I’m not quite sure what to think about it.

I don’t, often, discuss my martial issues on my blog.  Obviously, my marriage has gone through some major challenges in obstacles. It’s what happens when you’re with someone for over 20 years.  We’ve treated each other, horribly, at times.  We haven’t always been good to each other.  But there are times, when she and I are able to find the love that still exists between us. We have always managed to find away to forgive each other and overcome our failings as a couple and look past each other’s individual failings – even inappropriate behaviors outside of our marriage (mostly mine, because I was immature).  But, apparently, something I thought was no longer an issue in our marriage has come back and I’m unsure how I want to handle it.

Let me back up a moment and give a slight, brief background that will probably miss some details that may or may not be important.  You see, my wife and I both had come out of really horrible relationships when we got together. And to say I was anything less than a flirt, would be a horrible understatement. I also had lots of friends that were girls, something very normal for me. Well, I had one friend that I considered my best friend.  She was a very attractive woman and she made my wife feel really uncomfortable. I refused to give her up as a friend, but eventually I did when I went to go work for my friend’s father. My wife was very nervous about that relationship, in spite of the fact there were NEVER any romantic overtures between she and I. But, forced to choose, I chose my wife.  During the same time frame, my wife had a male friend from high school that didn’t care for me and made regular comments to my wife about me not being good for her. I had expressed to my wife, that the difference between my friend and hers is that my friend did not make statements about my marriage and his statements about our marriage were actually hurting it.  She told me she was not going to be interacting with him anymore and I let it go without ever asking her to not have a friendship with him.

Well, several years ago, during the lowest part of our marriage, my wife revealed to me she had maintained contact with her friend throughout our marriage. I wasn’t upset about the friendship, I was bothered that it had to be a secret.  She admitted that it got out of hand and they were exchanging texts that had become sexual. She said she felt guilty because she knew she had asked me to give up my friendship and that she was doing what she hated me for having done to her. I asked her, at the time, to divulge everything to me and they had exchanged nude selfies of one another (Is it wrong that I was kind of impressed with…um…him?). Knowing how crazy I got about a cheating ex-gf, I did not want to be that person again and I simply told my wife how it made me feel. I expressed that I wasn’t going to tell her what to do, since she was an adult but I said I did not like secrets anymore than she did.

Well, I knew she had not stopped contact with him, but she always denied anything else was going on.  For me, it wasn’t relevant anymore, but about a year ago my wife and I had separated for a while. I had considered dating at that time, but I was not real thrilled trying to find anyone and I began to feel like I was out of place. My wife and I began working on things again and are in the process of rebuilding our relationship.  I have felt we have had much greater strides than ever before.

And then…

As I am perusing Facebook last night, I’m seeing the two of them interacting.  Nothing overt, nothing sexual or romantic, but it’s obvious they are still good friends.  Truly, I’m not bothered at this point and it’s more a subject of interest for me now. I long ago accepted that any relationship that you feel you NEEDED, was probably toxic for both people. To me, a relationship should be WANTED by both people.  Even the thought of her friend and her having been involved with each other, sexually (she told me many years ago, that they had an encounter in high school), doesn’t feel like a threat but the fact that whatever is going on isn’t being shared with me – as if we’re in this life together, feels sort of…hmmm….off-putting.

The thing is, I’m not sure if I should address it or leave it alone…

I mean, I’m feeling happier than I have in a long time, and it feels like this doen’t hurt…

Am I fucked up?

20 thoughts on “Unstable Ground?

  1. That’s up to you to decide, if it’s tolerable to you. If it doesn’t really bother you, just let it be. But I’m with you. The hiding of it is what would bother me. If it’s not “something”, why would she feel the need to keep it a secret?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I think that’s the hang-up I have. I’ve moved way past self-deprecation in my repationship, that I don’t have the “maybe I deserve this” mentality anymore and would much rather have the “just be upfront” about it mentality.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t blame you. I remember your post about her mentioning him when y’all were going through your stuff a while back. I’d have an issue with this. Up front is best, especially y’all are trying work the on the relationship.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m mature enough to realize she wasn’t a zombie without me, I simply want the respect that I am the most important relationship she has. If that’s not the case, I’m okay with that too, just let me know.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wouldn’t be able to stay quiet about it. And I’m not sure I’d be able to get past it. If it was my husband, I don’t think I’d ever let it go. I might be able to live with it but I’d never be able to get it out of my head. If he was keeping it a secret, there must be a reason… there must be something to hide.

    But I am a pretty jealous person… more than I should be or need to be. So… take my opinion with that in mind.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You certainly are not fucked up, I actually admire the way you’ve handled this to be honest, I only came pass your post tonight in search of answers I guess from my own discovery recently with finding out my husband has been having an affair. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for sharing this emotional experience. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation but my relationship is to the wife seeing someone else.
    There are two issues: one is the lying/secret-keeping, and the other is the relationship. My question for you, is which one is more troubling to you? Are you willing to work on your relationship if she continues?
    I wish you peace as you decide.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, honestly…I do what I normally do and avoid it. I guess in someway, I know I’m having my needs met and I would want to be the one to meet hers, but I’m not always sure I can.
      I guess, this situation is under development…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I admire your openness. As long as you are happy with the way things are going, that is all that matters. A lot of people have home-life situations that others would judge. If it works for you, that’s what is important.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s