Lately, I’ve been using Twitter as a way to have fun. I have discovered these things people play called “Hash Tag Games” and have really been enjoying them. They have given me some of my sense of humor back – something I feel like I lost a long time ago. So, I have been engaged in some light hearted fun and making some contacts (Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’m an attention whore, so what?!). But yesterday, there was a hashtag game that actually triggered me (GAWD, I despise that term…trigger…wtf is that anyways?!?!) and I couldn’t believe it. The hashtag was #MyInnerMonologue.
I began to engage in some self-deprecating thoughts and emotions on there. Sadly, it’s revealing of the kinds of things that goes on in my mind. And, honestly, it brought me back to an extremely dark time in my life. Some of you might even remember it – it was roughly July 2015, and it was two different blogs ago (Yeah, for you new followers, I have a habit of eradicating my blogs when I want my life to take a new direction and I want no reminder of what I want to leave behind…but that post is for another day). Well, at that time I had made an overt attempt at suicide. Thankfully, I was too much of a puss-wad to go through with it and decided to see a therapist. About a month into that therapy, she asked me to write down a list of the things I say to myself. Well, I posted it as one of my blog topics.
I had shocked myself at the things I say during My Inner Monologues. They were/are so bad that I have no desire to post them or remind myself what those feelings were like. But, a few of those began to roll out in my tweets last night and I began feeling that self-degrading mentality, that I have been trying to escape for so long. But I recognize that I made a commitment to myself, and I want to see that commitment lived out. I want to make sure that I stay in a path of moving forward. Over the past couple of weeks, I might have taken a step or two back, but that just means I need to trudge forward with two or three steps at a minimum.
I’m working on changing My Inner Monologue. I won’t lie, however, because it has been difficult. But I know that I need to surround myself with some positivity, and I have found some of that positivity online – with many of you, with other Tweeters, with different forums, and hopefully (and ultimately) myself.
I decided to come back and update this slightly, because I had a bit of an epiphany about this post. What I didn’t realize while writing it is that it is proof I’m doing much better!
***Doing a little happy dance and a twirl***