Sometimes, I’m not sure what to think when I’m calm and my mind is settled. I have had a lot of things going on lately (effin’ A, that’s the theme of my life, actually), but I am accepting those things I can not control. I’m taking great joy in the power to choose my emotional reaction – granted, that’s not to say I’m not emotional, but to control those emotions.
Some days, like today, when I know there are negative things happening around me, I feel like I’ve put on some sort of magical armor made with pixie dust (What?! I can like pixie dust, if I want to – don’t hate!) or some fantastical thing like that. Truthfully, I just don’t want any more crap to impact me. And usually it does impact me. But right now…I’m just not having it.
Granted, I also feel a huge case of the “fuck-its” coming on, as well. Which, normally, isn’t good for those around me, because I become kind of bitchy and apathetic towards things, but I am also recognizing that I have limits and I don’t need to be perfect all of the time. And trust me, if you knew anything about me, you’d absolutely know what an issue being perfect is with me. I set extremely high standards for myself, which is a driving and motivating force for me, but it leads to MAJOR disappointment for me that becomes a repertoire of self-criticism and self-degradation.
I just don’t want it.
Instead, right now, in spite of everything I want to notice life and all it has to offer. I want to notice the serenity of nature; I want to notice the beauty of someone’s smile; I want to be able to appreciate a kind word said to me; I want to see the warmth of someone’s heart when they help others; I want to experience the joy of a real smile; I want to feel some freedom to love myself; and so many other things.
In spite of all the heaviness of my world, I am feeling lighthearted. ❤