Today, I awaken with a sense of foreboding and dread.
I’m in the throes of questioning everything, again. And I am questioning my own belief system, from the standpoint of not really understanding the world around me. I find myself in constant turmoil about so many things. My mood is sour, grim, and negative. On some level, I want to chalk it up to mental illness and call it depression, but I’m not sure that is the case anymore.
I think I am disturbed about the world. I think I am bothered by the way people treat one another nowadays. I am troubled not knowing my true place in it. And I ponder if the changes that have occurred within me are from within me or influenced from outside of my being. I find my attitudes towards things that were once considered inappropriate or unacceptable to be something I embrace, now. I find the things I used to be encouraging or pieces of hope to be the things that now horrify me. I embrace some things I never imagined embracing early in my life. I find my opinions on matters are, incredibly, not set in stone. I am empathetic to people and I find my values are like a chameleon’s colors.
I don’t feel good about anything, And when I do feel good about something, I find ways to see how some things are bad – typically based on paying attention to counter arguments. I am a smorgasbord of opposing viewpoints and dichotomies. I have lost my sense of belief – even in knowledge. I find myself so non-committal on many important decisions, because I no longer understand what it is that makes life important anymore. I can’t see myself continuing down the same path I am on, but I cannot find alternatives any more desirable. I have lost my self of want and desire, and yet I know there is a need, at a minimum, of self-care.
I question everything all of the time. I question the purpose of work, I question the need for knowledge – especially when it’s rejected, I question morality, I question human decency, I question why I did not pursue my own dreams, I question if there should be a different set of rules for society, I question what can be done to sow peace among people, I question love, I question God or a Higher Power, I question the purpose of life, I question the need of people, I question how I want to achieve any goals and remain happy, I question what I can do differently – in spite of the fact that I don’t understand anything anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me anymore…