I’m sitting here today, full of regret, and I hate it.
I feel like I sold my soul.
You see, I work in the oil & gas industry and I despise it. I despise what I Do, but after spending almost 20 years in the job I have, I wish I would have done something different. It makes me feel my age. I feel all 45 years of my being. I’m thinking about the choices I made in life and I hate the feelings I have after making them.
Actually, as I write this, I feel all of my frustrations rising out of me to my being and wondering what to do about it all. I’m feeling like my ability to articulate myself has escaped me and I’m devolving into a gibberish mess.
I felt like I cared about the environment, before it was cool and in fashion. I remember being in high school and doing incredibly well in math and science. I was taking college level chemistry and math classes, preparing to go on to do something with myself. I was the kid that loved the mountains, nature, animals and appalled at the industrialization of everything humanity touched. And I valued water above anything else. I felt I wanted to do something that involved the protection of water, because I felt, back in 1988-1990, that water will be our last valuable resource. And I enrolled in a college for engineering to pursue a degree in Chemical Engineering…
…and my world was never the same again.
When I attended college, I was not successful. I changed my major twice, struggled trying to understand things and eventually dropped out when I was a junior, after four years of study. And then, I became a cop. I enjoyed that job and felt I was doing something for other people, but I had a draw back to the technical side of my thinking. And left law enforcement to return to school. I finished my degree in Chemical Engineering and went to work for an oilfield service company – for no other reason than I needed a job. And now, almost 15 years after finishing my degree, I hate the path I pursued.
I wanted a change, and I can’t seem to find any one else interested in hiring me. I don’t know how to rebrand myself and obtain a career that will support me and my family and give me the chance to be successful enough to live a comfortable life. My life is a constant financial struggle, a constant struggle of values and not understanding my purpose. I don’t know how to get my bearing and find my niche in life anymore.
And I’m spiraling downward, again. I spend my days away from work, drinking beer again, trying to hide my feelings and emotions. I’m living self-destructively and carry a burden of bitterness I never thought I would have. And it’s a burden, I have been carrying for quite some time. Simply, I want a different life, but I don’t know how to change the one I am currently living.
I have spent hours upon hours, days upon days, weeks, upon weeks, and months upon months trying to find a different job or career. I’ve attempted advanced degrees that I found no interest in doing and I have sacrificed everything I love to try something different and get ahead. And now, that I am getting older, I am getting bitter and frustrated and beginning to give up and accept my reality – failure.
I look at reasons I can’t get ahead, but I can’t zero-in on any that make sense to me. I’ve wanted to think it’s my lack of experience in some fields, I want to hold my personal life responsible, I look at being old or fat or ugly or whatever physical thing it might be, I look at my politics, I look at everything as a possible reason to not be where I want to be. But ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that I never pursued what really made me happy – and the simple truth is that I loved learning, researching, figuring out solutions to problems – and none of these things were financially sound options at the time.
But now, I feel barren and washed up.
I think I have finally realized and accepted that I am a failure, because I never pursued what I loved – whatever that actually might be.