It’s not uncommon for people to assess me as a deep thinker. Truthfully, it’s something I always saw as a compliment. But lately, those deep thoughts have delved into some truly dark places of my psyche and they are kind of horrifying, if I am honest. It’s obvious, and no big secret, but I have a level of self-hatred that is so overwhelming and causes people to think twice about associating with me. Truly, it is unhealthy, but I’m going to address it and be honest with myself, and it is going to cause me to cry. But, I think I need to get it out of my mind and put it out here – symbolically ejecting it from my being, but I’m not going to do it. I don’t want to give these feelings any more power or credence over me. I may revisit those thoughts from time to time, because I’m going to address them. I’m tired of running away, I’m tired of it all. I want to be a better man – even as late in my life as I am.
There are things I absolutely hate about myself. And I noticed it yesterday, in excruciating detail only to come to realize I’m developing expectations from a distorted view of my reality. You see, I developed a little crush on someone. Being married, it’s not right and I know this, but the little crush happened anyways. I don’t believe she knows I developed this crush, which is probably a good thing because I am not capable of being in a relationship; primarily, because I am married. But an emotion was pulled out of me by this woman that I have not felt in many years. I felt like I mattered to someone. Although my interactions were very limited and only very new, I was given an impression that I was somehow special. If I am honest, it is something I have not felt from my wife for many, many years. And it gave me pause to think about things. It gives me pause to consider that I really need to address some things in my marriage, really, really address them. But, before I came to that acceptance, I felt something else.
I felt shock that I am not nearly that special. It’s okay. Like I said, it’s an emotional feeling I had, it’s something I developed and I don’t hold this woman responsible – she has no control over how I feel and she shouldn’t. But I got the opportunity to see things, briefly through her eyes, and she sees our interaction as totally different. In fact, I know there are things she is dealing with in life, as well, and it would not be a good thing to pursue anything or even contemplate this on any level. But the first feeling I had, as soon as I came to this realization is that I am stupid.
I felt stupid for having an emotion. I felt stupid for even contemplating anything, because of a number of reasons. I felt stupid because to think that someone could develop any sort of attraction in that short of time was an asinine concept, right? I felt stupid because neither one of us really knew anything about one another. Truthfully, it is nothing more than an adolescent attraction. To think that anyone should even be susceptible to that kind of attraction when you’re already involved in a relationship says you should think about your own fucking back yard, before pawing around someone else’s. And even if I were not married, to gain an attraction to someone when either person is emotionally raw is only doomed to fail – my marriage is an EXACT example of that issue.
But I became self-conscious in an instant. I could see every flaw of my character, I could see my sexuality as an issue (Intriguing enough, having felt attracted to her, I began to question my sexuality again – maybe I am not bi, after all…?), I could see my own health as a hindrance to anyone being attracted to me, I could see my massive weight gain being something that chases someone away. I felt old, I felt run-down, I felt ugly. I felt any/every self-conscious thing one could feel about themselves.
I felt this way for several hours and I began to think that I am the problem in my life. Now, it might sound like I’m being self-pitying, but my point is that my problem is that I don’t think right anymore. I want to change; I have been saying that for years. And some of you that have followed my previous blogs have read all about my need to change. I have put in real effort, I believe, but I always manage to backtrack and end up with the same self-deprecating thoughts I had before. But, having felt the way I did last night – and it was ugly, let me tell you – I know that I need to change.
My problem, and it’s always been my problem, is that I can’t seem to prioritize my needs. And it’s recognizing my needs that is confusing to me. Even this topic reminds me when I’ve been to therapy and the therapist asks me, “What are your needs?”. In a less than honest about my feelings way, I answer, “Food, water, a place to live and sex…”, because I avoid any recognition that my needs matter.
Well, I’m going to say something, that is actually giving my skin goosebumps and sending a shiver up my spine as I type it, but, “I have needs and they are fucking important to me.”
And now that I have gotten that statement and physiological response out of my way, I am ready to address my needs and I’m going to do that in a way that signifies that I want to change things about my thinking, my health, my body, my total well being. I just don’t know how to prioritize, but here are the things I feel like I truly need:
- Good health: As a type 1 diabetic, it is extremely critical that I take care of myself. And I do not test my blood sugars regularly, I do not take the appropriate amount of insulin, and I do not get the appropriate amount of exercise. I miss being in shape and I used to be fucking hot! And now I don’t feel it at all. I can’t help but think taking care of this, not only allows me to live longer, but might assist me with some self-esteem.
- Mental health: Bottom line, I’ve lost any semblance of positive thinking. I don’t take compliments very well at all and I have stooped so low in my self-image, that I feel even more self-critical when someone else points it out that they were complimenting me. I simply do not feel like I deserve it. I have believed every single critical thing certain people have said about me.
- My job/career: Let me be honest, I fucking hate it. I am trying to change the industry I work, I look for jobs constantly, I am in school (online) trying to earn master’s degree to improve myself, etc., etc. But I feel like my job has me trapped, because it does pay well – though, not quite enough to address my financial struggles – but it is not something I want to do anymore. I am away from home for weeks at a time, I’m bitter about many things going on with my career and I simply do not enjoy it anymore. This combined with all of the other things going on, simply has me feeling like there is no reprieve.
- I don’t feel loved: I’ve seen several therapists over the past 8, 9 or 10 years (I can’t really remember) and there seems to be a common theme when I see them. They all tell me, “I am lovable” or “You deserve to be loved” or “Allow yourself to be loved” or something of that order. I can say, up and until marriage, I always felt like I deserved love, but I can say, without hesitation, that through the course of my marriage that I don’t feel like I deserve love. I feel like so much has happened and I can see every mistake I have made, extremely clearly and I question if I am lovable. I consider things like this minor attraction I felt, realizing that attraction was not reciprocated, and I can’t help but see all of the negative things about me. And it reinforces the lack of confidence and self-esteem I had went I was a teenager and young adult. I never felt like any woman was attracted to me. I never felt like I gave anyone butterflies in their stomach. I never felt like anyone was excited to see me or that I made them weak in the knees. And although, I joked about being hot above, I have never felt like the girls I liked had any interest in me. And as I write this, I begin to question my sexuality all over again. I begin to question why I ever tried anything with guys and I wonder if I am truly bisexual or simply had a distorted view of sex from being molested and sexually assaulted. I wonder all of these things. I think about the times my ex girlfriend cheated on me. I think about the rejections I felt, when I took the step to approach someone for a date. I think about my marriage and hearing all the time what I had no business getting married. I think about my marriage and think of all the ways I made my wife feel bad without meaning too. I think about so many things that I’m not comfortable going into on this post, because I’ll end up sounding like I’m justifying my own wrong actions.
- My spirituality/My faith/My understanding of God: Truthfully, I’m not quite sure about this aspect of myself, just yet. But I once felt like I had a strong understanding of my spiritual life and the religion I grew up under. I once felt good about God and once felt like God was real. I’m not sure, even remotely, how to gain traction in this area of my life. Honestly, I can’t even reconcile the relationship I have with God, because I don’t know how to conceptualize him or her (as the case may be). This might be one of those things that I table until I feel like I Can, but I recognize it as a priority in my life.
I feel like there are other things in my life I could address, but these are the big ones. These are the ones that I feel impact me the most and weigh on my mind the most. I think it’s time to be honest with myself and display myself like an open book and allow myself to be open for the first time – ever. Although there are other things in my life, that could use work, I feel that I could address those on a smaller scale – or maybe they fix themselves as I address these other things.
I think the distinct challenge I have in addressing these issues is the direction I must take and the priority level I need to place upon them. I’m not sure if these should be worked on in parallel or in series and I’m not sure if I should be placing one as a more dire need than another. It’s in all of this confusion that I end up getting frustrated with myself and giving up. And that is something that is so counter to who I am, because I have always prided myself on not giving up. I know this is going to be my struggle. I know this is not going to be easy. I have to change so much about the way I handle life anymore, because I NEED to. It is time. It is time for me to quit fucking off and feeling sorry for myself. It is time I face my emotions and stop running. It is time for me to be honest with myself and allow myself to be real.
It is time I become a better man.