Over the past few days, I have really been facing some of my personal demons. And, I as much as I hate admitting it (okay, not really I admit it a lot because #MyAttentionWhoredomIsOnFleek), but I have been overly focused on my misery and negativity. I wallow is self-pity so much, it’s pathetic. And I was recently called out on it by a friend. At first, my conditioned response was to steer right into the darkness and blow-up the negativity, but I had one thought that contradicted everything I have been feeling for the past several years:
WTF?! That’s not very optimistic!
So, I did what any rational person would do and got angry, quickly, at myself. Although that anger began as something self-directed and destructive, it began to relax and change into a motivating anger. An anger that is hell-bent on survival. An anger that can be dangerous to those who oppose it, because it is the anger that comes out of any fighter willing to do anything to survive. In an instant, all the sense of everything I had ever learned in life about living came out of my being in an explosive exclamation of, “Fuck you! I am too fucking optimistic!”
I have mentioned it before, but I used to pride myself on my optimism. My optimism was so over the top that it would irritate other people, but they couldn’t fight it, because I took the “kill ’em with kindness” cliché to a new level. But that IS the defining quality of who I am, and I refuse to let the challenges of my life denigrate my character. I will allow those challenges to focus themselves into a tool of cutting precision and create a sword of optimistic armament against my arch nemesis – my fickle mind.
Feel inspired? Okay, well, maybe you don’t, but that’s okay. Truthfully, as much as I like people and enjoy attention, this is one time where I need to claim this as mine. And today, I have inspired myself. And I know that is not a true leadership quality, but I need to reshape myself and redefine who I am.
I am going to do this.
I am going to survive.
I am going to accomplish my dreams.
And I’m going to love myself.
I fucking deserve to love myself!
And with that being said, I’ve been contemplating creating another blog, but without deleting this one. I want to have an outlet for any negativity I might have, and Acquiescent Soul seems to be the venue for that sort of thing, but I also want to start feeling happy and proud again. So, don’t be surprised if I start a second blog and begin to look into the things I truly desire out of life.
To be continued…