Even as I write this, I feel like I’m sounding like a broken record, because I am well aware that I have said these things before, but I need to change. I recognize that I am not happy with my current situation for a number of reasons and I have spent time before trying to recognize the things I think I need to change to make life better for myself. But the truth of the matter is that I spend an awful lot of time discussing it all and not enough time putting anything into action.
I know, I know, I know…I’ve said this all before.
Maybe I’m just trying to pep myself up. The truth of the matter is that I feel overwhelmed. I feel like there are so many things in my life that require my attention and I don’t know what to focus on first – as indicated in the linked post above. I simply think there are so many things in my life that are in desperate need of change and I have struggled with having to deal with them all. Well, there is something else that needs to be added to the list, that I have been reluctant to call out directly. Although, if you’ve followed my blogs for very long, it is more obvious than I am leading on, but let me tell you the MAIN reason I started blogging in the first place – My marriage.
Yes, that’s right. I wanted a place to bitch about my marriage, but always found myself tensing up on a mental level hindering any release possible. I refrained from saying the things I really wanted to say and found myself feeling guilty for many of the feelings I have. Granted, I have mentioned in some posts that my marriage is toxic and I have looked for many ways to compensate for my feelings. It has caused me to sacrifice so much in my mind that I have questioned everything about myself. Well, I had previously given a list of five things I wanted to change, but the reality is that I wanted to list my marriage as a thing to change too. And something happened last night that made me truly realize what it is I need to change – and it’s not my marriage, amazingly, but it will impact my marriage I am sure.
Before I mention the one thing I need to change, I want to mention the “event” that needed to change. Truthfully, I don’t no how to explain it without sounding like I’m being critical of my wife, so please understand that these are my feelings and perceptions and that it is only fair to understand she has hers, as well. But she was getting off work yesterday and she asked what I had planned to do for the evening and I replied with, “Well, I have not had the chance to go buy your Christmas gifts, so I’m taking the kids tonight and we’re going shopping.” Her response was kind of telling in my mind and the way it pulled at me was even more telling, but she said with a frown and a cringe on her face, “So, you’re gonna leave me all alone again…”
It’s an emotional manipulation, if you ask me what I think about it. I grew up with a mother that mastered guilt trips like a champion and have always prided myself on being resistant to guilt trips, but for some reason my wife can guilt trip me like no one’s business. And although situations like last night have presented themselves before, for some reason last night came rushing in and I felt like ripping her an ass for it. The obvious question in my mind was, “How can I possibly treat you to something nice if you’re incapable of being away from my for a few hours?” Of course, I didn’t say it, because similar questions in the past have erupted into a full on war within our household. But it made me realize how much I have given in as a means to maintain peace.
So, I went shopping anyways, because I decided that I was tried of being manipulated with emotion. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing, it was completely normal behavior and I shouldn’t feel guilty. And it reminded me of a conversation I had with my daughter a couple of days earlier where I was expressing that the defining quality of being an adult is doing the right thing in spite of not receiving recognition for doing the right thing. And I say this with the full recognition that a lot of people are motivated by praise and recognition, and I’m wholly guilty of seeking praise and recognition. Much like I mentioned to a friend from Twitter – #MyAttentionWhoredomIsOnFleek (Seriously, I actually hate that phrase “on fleek”; shoot me now for using it).
So, now I have made the decision about what aspect of my life needs the most critical change. From what I wrote above, one might think that I am claiming my marriage needs to change, but that is not it. And it’s not my job, it’s not my love life at all, it’s not my spirituality (although, I’m sure many would tell me to “Put God First”) and I would say it’s not my physical health (but this will be my second priority). It’s my mental healthy, my mentality, my mental facilities, my shitty-assed-negative-poor-me-attitude.
I’m a mother-fuckin’ fighter!
I have not exemplified this attitude, but it is time to do it. I have gone on and on and on and on about how bad-assed I used to be. And the truth of the matter is that I had a huge ego and it popped. And I have given into anything/everything since then. It doesn’t mean I should engage in every fight from here on out, but I can certainly battle through the important ones and I have the mature insight of being able to consider what is worthy of my attention and what is not. My attitude is what needs changed and right now, more than any other challenge facing me, the main priority I have is to be positive – even if I have to fake it until I make it. Everything else is irrelevant without having the proper mindset to deal with life.
I’m going to change this, even if it’s the last thing I do:
Change, Change, Change, Change and Change Some More…damnit!