I’ve made it no secret that I’m bisexual. Granted, I don’t discuss it as much as I used to and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am at a place in my life where I no longer need to prove it to myself that I am bisexual. In my last blog, I spoke about my sexuality a lot, and even wrote about many of my experiences with guys, with the purpose of trying to understand myself more and seeking greater peace with myself. But, I got to a point where I felt discussing it, sort of had a feeling of doubt associated with it – like I’m still trying to prove it to myself. But now, I think I am comfortable with it being a part of who I am, no different than what I like in ice cream flavors.
But occasionally a question arises that warrants a bit of a response. This happened recently on Twitter when I had a conversation with someone about my sexuality. I am married – to a woman, mind you – and that has the connotation to it that I may have “picked a side”. And when this is assumed by people, it tends to come with a question similar to – “If you’re in a relationship with a woman, how do you get satisfaction from a man?”. Well, since I am in an agreed upon monogamous relationship, I do not get satisfaction from a man. Seems, obvious, right?
Well, that reasoning tends to be followed up with something like, “Well, how do you feel a sense of fulfillment?” Typically, I’ve always responded to this type of question with relating it to a heterosexual or homosexual relationship and make the claim that, there isn’t a need for a heterosexual woman to have sex with every single man to feel fulfilled (Of course, I’ve dated some women that have made me wonder if they needed something from every man they ever met…). Likewise for a heterosexual man. And I would suspect it’s quite the case for homosexual men or women, as well. I tend to think that our sense of fulfillment would extend beyond a sexual relationship and grasp our entire being.
Unfortunately, this explanation isn’t always acceptable to people, because there is this assumption that a bisexual can never be satisfied, because they are sexually attracted to genitalia of both men and women. And my only response is that it doesn’t quite work like that – though it might be the case for some. I can only speak for myself, of course, and I can honestly say that I am not physically attracted to every man or every woman. I have found myself attracted to more than one gender at one time. And guess what? I’ve also found myself attracted to more than one person within one gender at the same time. And I won’t lie; I’ve made mistakes. I have been engaged in more than one relationship before and at various times in my life. But it’s also been more complex (or maybe less so, depending on your perspective, I suppose) than that, because I have never actually had a romantic relationship with a guy.
It’s true, I have never dated a guy before (well…except one time, I did go on a date with a guy…and he was hot….and it scared me…and you live and learn). I credit my lack of dating experience with men to the pressures of society and the norms we have accepted as proper behavior. Looking back at my life, I can say that I made the decisions that seemed right at the time and I have gotten to a point where I am not going to be critical of myself, because I did or did not do something.
And I just realized, I went off topic here…
Back to feeling fulfilled…
Anyways, I think a relationship with someone, regardless of whom it might be, really involves the interactions between the two people in the relationship. I think there is something to be said about being IN the relationship and seeking a sense of fulfillment inside of that relationship. To me, if I were looking outside of the relationship, I would suspect that the gender of the person is irrelevant, because the fact that I’m looking outside of the relationship would mean that I stopped looking for fulfillment there, right?
Typically the curiosity (I’m choosing to describe this in a positive light) extends to some sort of question like, “Do you ever look at other men? Other women? But don’t you fantasize about sex with men?” To this, I usually respond in the affirmative – I mean, I’m not dead. I experience attractions and temptation like any heterosexual or any homosexual might, as well. The reality is that I make a decision to act or not to act on those temptations or attractions. I mean, the truth of the matter is that I am bisexual, and with that being said, I recognize I am attracted to some women and I am attracted to some men. I enjoy looking at a nice rack on a woman. I enjoy looking at a nice set of abs on a guy. I find a woman’s curves to be enticing. I find a man’s muscular form to be drool-worthy. And yes…there are…hmmm…other parts I like looking at too. But, I choose not to act on it. And I’m sure my wife can appreciate it. Hell, there are some guys I know she really finds attractive (Of course, now that I write this, I’m reminded of a recent situation involving her…).
I think the bottom line is this: human nature has a tendency to appreciate attractive qualities in others. Typically, most of us have a desire to love and to be loved. Most of us, typically, enjoy sex and enjoy the emotional and physical releases involved in a sexual interaction with someone we love. But fulfillment – true intimate fulfillment – comes from something much more deep than the physical. To me, it’s a combination of the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional sharing with another person.