I do not feel peacefully…

…bisexual.

I follow a Twitter account called “BiBot” that periodically posts statements of pride about being bisexual that is titled “Bi Update”.  This morning, as I opened my Twitter account, I saw this statement: “Bi update: Just so you know, I’m feeling peacefully bisexual.” And although, I love the sentiment and thought behind it, I would suspect for many bisexuals – like myself – it is a dream to feel peaceful about it.  Granted, I am sure there are many out there that have come to terms with their sexuality and have accepted themselves lovingly with a full self-embrace.  Truthfully, that has not been my experience.

As much as I promised myself that I was not going to focus on my sexuality on this blog, I keep coming back to it and revisiting it. And this is kind of my point about feeling “peaceful” about it: For me, that hasn’t been my experience.  God, and quite a few of you, are well aware of all the torture I put myself through to come to some place of acceptance about it.  I’m always torn between knowing what I am and trying to put some social denial of that fact upon myself.  And I’ve come to realize something along those lines – not only does my sexuality hold a characteristic of dichotomy, so does the way I present it.

Privately, I absolutely love the idea of being bisexual. But, in public, I have no desire to present myself as bisexual. I think I grew up with what a lot of sociologists might describe as societal constructs on what sexuality should or should not be (there’s that damned ‘should’ word again…) and as a result, I have a view of the world that I believe ‘should’ be the case and another view of the world that is based upon my experience. I have indicated before that there were things in my childhood that made me feel like my views on sex and sexuality had been skewed. I have also experienced sexual experiences that were good…or felt good (hahaha!) at the time I have participated in them. Truthfully, I value a little privacy, I think, but at the same time I feel like I’m either weak or deceptive in my presentation. Granted, it’s not like I’m available or anything, but there seems to be a slight conflict in my mind about how I view this.

I once heard someone describe their own bisexuality as being “on a need to know basis”, and that is one thing that brought me to greater acceptance of myself. I have found that owning it, but not flopping it out there for everyone to see has worked for me better than anything else. I sort of feel like I have this dirty little secret that affects no one but myself, and at the same time, I don’t have to share that part of myself with anyone.  I have found, I think, that there is always going to be this aspect of who I am that I have tried to ignore my entire life, but it is still there. And, it’s not something I boastfully share as pride…

I believe I am at a place where I know I am bisexual, but I don’t know that I will ever experience peacefulness with it.