I do not feel peacefully…

…bisexual.

I follow a Twitter account called “BiBot” that periodically posts statements of pride about being bisexual that is titled “Bi Update”.  This morning, as I opened my Twitter account, I saw this statement: “Bi update: Just so you know, I’m feeling peacefully bisexual.” And although, I love the sentiment and thought behind it, I would suspect for many bisexuals – like myself – it is a dream to feel peaceful about it.  Granted, I am sure there are many out there that have come to terms with their sexuality and have accepted themselves lovingly with a full self-embrace.  Truthfully, that has not been my experience.

As much as I promised myself that I was not going to focus on my sexuality on this blog, I keep coming back to it and revisiting it. And this is kind of my point about feeling “peaceful” about it: For me, that hasn’t been my experience.  God, and quite a few of you, are well aware of all the torture I put myself through to come to some place of acceptance about it.  I’m always torn between knowing what I am and trying to put some social denial of that fact upon myself.  And I’ve come to realize something along those lines – not only does my sexuality hold a characteristic of dichotomy, so does the way I present it.

Privately, I absolutely love the idea of being bisexual. But, in public, I have no desire to present myself as bisexual. I think I grew up with what a lot of sociologists might describe as societal constructs on what sexuality should or should not be (there’s that damned ‘should’ word again…) and as a result, I have a view of the world that I believe ‘should’ be the case and another view of the world that is based upon my experience. I have indicated before that there were things in my childhood that made me feel like my views on sex and sexuality had been skewed. I have also experienced sexual experiences that were good…or felt good (hahaha!) at the time I have participated in them. Truthfully, I value a little privacy, I think, but at the same time I feel like I’m either weak or deceptive in my presentation. Granted, it’s not like I’m available or anything, but there seems to be a slight conflict in my mind about how I view this.

I once heard someone describe their own bisexuality as being “on a need to know basis”, and that is one thing that brought me to greater acceptance of myself. I have found that owning it, but not flopping it out there for everyone to see has worked for me better than anything else. I sort of feel like I have this dirty little secret that affects no one but myself, and at the same time, I don’t have to share that part of myself with anyone.  I have found, I think, that there is always going to be this aspect of who I am that I have tried to ignore my entire life, but it is still there. And, it’s not something I boastfully share as pride…

I believe I am at a place where I know I am bisexual, but I don’t know that I will ever experience peacefulness with it.

13 thoughts on “I do not feel peacefully…

  1. I hope you do eventually feel at peace about your being. May I recommend “Sex and God” by Dr. Darrel Ray? I’m wondering if your possible religious feelings are creating a disconnect for you? Peace

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Truthfully, I do struggle with religion and there is no doubt it has played a role in my feelings. But I have come to realize there really isn’t one thing, but a culmination of things, that has formed my feelings.

      And thank you for your comment!

      Like

    1. Ya know, I’m not really upset about it like I used to be. I have come to accept it about myself, but I guess on some level I don’t know how to be… Does that make sense?

      And thank you so much, Lennon! 🌸💙

      Like

  2. I believe you have found peace with who you are and there is no shame about it. Why would there be, but it is YOU who has come to terms, in private. This doesn’t hold true for when you are in public and surrounded by society. Many still don’t accept it and you know there is cruelty, judgement, hate and sheer stupidity out there. Still it matter much to you how others view you and one day the on a need to know basis will no longer matter. When you no longer care about what others say and how they view you. When you stay true to yourself and pursue the things that make you happy and let those into your life that truly want to be there. It is then that you will find freedom and peace. I believe in you and you know I’m one of your biggest fan and supporter. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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