Why Do I Feel So Lonely…?

I feel lonely.

Like 98% of the time, I feel like I’m missing some connection with someone. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have friends. I have family. I am online and have online friends. But I constantly feel alone.  I feel like I’m not understood, and it’s not like I blame anyone, because I don’t understand myself.

Days like today, make me feel so detached. Although I yearn for some sort of intimacy – true emotional intimacy, I feel detached.  I am feeling like there is something about this feeling that makes me think that I have never really overcome my depression and anxiety. It makes me feel like I can’t stand on my own two feet.

Someone I know commented the other day, “There is always such sadness in your eyes.” And I feel like I’ve been putting on a façade of happiness lately.  I’m forcing myself to do things I used to enjoy, just so I’m not sitting and wallowing is self-pity. Although, I find temporary satisfaction, I am not able to sustain it.  There is sadness within me and I don’t know what to do about it.

But today, the loneliness I feel is somewhat taking me over…

I can’t write any more right now…I feel like my brain is collapsing on itself and my thoughts are not clear.