This morning, I woke up in a really negative and self-deprecating mood. I briefly thought, “Ugh…I think I’m going to need a therapist again and hear about all of the things I should do that I am already aware…” It made me realize that I’m weaving my way through a potential depressive episode. I tried to put my emphasis on things I needed to do for work and also played around on Twitter for a bit. And then I began to realize where some of my emotions are coming from – I’m doubting my sexuality and ability to engage in a meaningful relationship.
You see, my wife and I have been discussing our relationship again. Some of you might remember about a year ago, when I was separated from her, but it was mentioned again during a recent conversation we have had. Part of the reality is that I have the kind of job that is not entirely conducive to a relationship and it is impacting our relationship. Although, my wife is not trying to make me feel guilty like she has in the past, she is voicing how difficult it is on her and our family. I don’t blame her, the stress if phenomenal. She has been incredibly understanding, because I am doing everything I can to change the situation and I completely understand her need for attention.
Unfortunately, I have begun to experience something else I have not discussed and it’s highly embarrassing, but I’m going to mention it anyways. I am experiencing some erectile dysfunction at times when my wife and I try to engage in sexual activity. It’s been somewhat frustrating, to say the least. The first time it occurred, I just assumed I was tired and exhausted. Then another time, I felt like it must be my health. Then another time, I wondered if it was the stress impacting me (there are a lot of people who do not realize the effect of stress on a male’s sexual performance, believe it or not). But, it has been happening more and more and if I was forced to quantify it, I’d say it’s about 50% of the time my wife and I try, I am experiencing it. I have discussed it with my doctor; since I am working towards a healthier lifestyle, we are going to wait to see if things change and I’m able to improve my health and increase my success rate here. After that, it could be pills.
But, I think. I think a lot and I ponder things. The truth of the matter is that I have noticed there are times, I am fully aroused and ready to go. Some of those times, my wife is not with me. And there have been various reasons, and I’m not going to go into all of the details, but suffice it to say that it has been when I am….hmmmm…observing people I am attracted to, physically. Now, I have not shared this fact with my wife, because I have learned in our relationship that she wields serrated edges VERY well when she feels like someone is a threat to our relationship (Ironic…hmmm…another post sometime, maybe?). But, I have taken a mental note of it, as well and it brings me to another matter I’m discussing in this post: my sexuality.
Without revealing who it is, I had a private conversation with a friend yesterday about the state of my marriage and my sexuality. I was kind of joking and said, “If things don’t work out with my wife, I think I’m going to date guys” (Or something of that order, it’s not an exact quote). Her reply (again, not a direct quote), “What if you went 100% Gay? There’s no shame in that.” And I have to admit, it sort of stopped me right where I was at and made me think. Honestly, it kind of scared me, because I have had such a tough time accepting myself as I am anyways. I would be lying, if I said the idea of it kind of makes me nervous. I know I have been open to the possibility of dating guys, if I were not married, but I have never really had a boyfriend before and sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t really know what I’m doing. But it really made me think about love, relationships, sexuality and everything that is involved from an emotional standpoint.
The reality is that I recognize I have a tendency to run away from emotions. I began to contemplate if I made up the whole bisexuality thing in my mind to deal with the difficulties I have found in relationships. I wondered if I could live with myself as an active (By “active”, I mean dating and not necessarily sexual activity) bisexual. I also began to engage in trying to understand where I might feel most comfortable – with a man or with a woman? I feel like I have always had relationships with women, because that always made sense to me; would I even know how to BE with a man? I have always felt sex is different than the relationship, as a whole, but there are some elements of the relationship that end up within the sexual acts you share with someone.
There were so many thoughts I have had over the past several years, and I have to admit, sometimes I don’t feel any closer to understanding myself than I did when I began to look at all of this. The different ins and outs my mind takes in addressing the problems and feelings go through are so complex, so frustrating, that even this lengthy post doesn’t seem to be able to fully settle my mind.
But, I could not ignore something else that played into my mind:
What if I never understand who/what I am?