Obviously, I am not as settled about my sexuality as I assumed. I must recognize that I think about it a lot – especially when I am alone. I spend so much time worrying about it, worrying about the implications of it, that I do not enjoy myself. I have this negative view of being bisexual – and I can’t help but think it’s because I once held the view that any “non-normal” sexuality was a perversion of God’s purpose for us. But what if the problem, really, is that I just refuse to accept reality – trying to live in some pre-conceived notion of who I should (Someone do me a favor and remind me to post about the subject of “should” sometime, because it plays a significant role on how I see myself) be.
On the last blog I kept, I spent a lot of time writing about different events in my life that demonstrated my sexuality. I spent so much time writing it like I had to prove it to myself -as if I didn’t think I was convinced of my sexuality. I discussed so much, and as I write this post, I’m full of regret for deleting that one. I felt this overwhelming need to force it as if no one would believe me, let alone myself. But I couldn’t accept it, and I still struggle with it.
But it reminds me when I was seeing a therapist a couple of years ago, and when I first suggested to her that I had an attraction to guys. I’m sure she didn’t mean to, but her eyes got big, because the shock of the revelation didn’t match how I present myself naturally. I literally do not show up on anyone’s “Gaydar”, but she asked me, “Are you gay, [My Real Name]?” I denied it, because I knew I liked women as much as I liked men, if not more. “No,” I replied, “I think I’m bisexual”. And she asked me one question that I have under more consideration today than I did then:
“What would it mean, for you, to be bisexual?”
I struggle to answer that question. What does it really mean? It’s as if I try and treat it like there is some set of written rules that describes how I should behave, if I’m bisexual – a set of Bisexual Ten Commandments (Actually, this might be a funny topic as a post…I’ll keep it in mind), if you will. I’ve gone through this to the point, where even in my last blog, I was experimenting with it all – what if I were to fully embrace it? There were times during that experimentation, where I didn’t feel right with myself. I felt like I was deceiving myself. A lot of it felt like I was forcing the issue – again, like in trying to prove it to anyone else, I somehow needed to prove it to myself. But maybe it did mean that. Even before I was asked this by my therapist, I was trying to answer it for myself in ways that were somewhat self-destructive.
The reality is, that I’m not quite sure how to answer the question I just posted above. I don’t believe there is a set of rules and behaviors. I’m not sure if there is something there that means I need to somehow demonstrate my bi-ness (for lack of a better word). I feel, truthfully, like I have been trying so hard, for so long and that it has done nothing but frustrate me. What if all my efforts are irrelevant, because there is no need to prove anything? Is it possible that I am just who I am supposed to be?
I had a friend, recently, express in a comment on another post, that there is a literal definition to being bisexual. It is simply the fact that I can enjoy sex and I have attractions to more than one gender. Maybe, the reality is just as simple as that. Maybe the answer to this question posed by my therapist means just that – there is no need to define it, there is no need to change anything, there is no need to do anything. Maybe, I can stop thinking about it someday and just be who I am. Maybe I can allow myself the freedom that only self-acceptance can provide.
Or maybe, I still have a need, deep down in my soul to explore myself to have the fullest understanding of who I am. Maybe, the last blog and this blog are nothing more than my attempt to accept the definition of who I am and I want to share it because I want to know myself and feel validated in who I am. And maybe, just maybe, in the process I get to know that there is more to me than just being…
…a bisexual man.