A few months ago, I made a promise to myself to quit feeling sorry for myself and do something about the things I hate – namely my physical and mental health. This morning, I woke up and I realized that have had a set back in both of me attempts to better myself. Let me explain.
Physically, I need to lose weight. Although, I can’t expect to be the person I once was, I can make myself a healthier version of where I am at. I had a small success a couple of weeks ago, but as I looked in the mirror this morning, I realized I had re-gained some weight – I could see it in my face. At first, I wanted to admonish myself, I wanted to give up, and I wanted to engage in a self-directed tirade of deprecating self-loathing that has been my norm for far too long. But I didn’t, I didn’t because I knew where it would lead.
But this moment gave me pause to consider why I had the set-back. Sometimes, it is important to realize what is hindering progress and then it hit me. I’ve honestly, begun to engage in the self-negative thinking that I have promised myself I would reject. I had toyed with the idea that I might have a bit of an eating disorder at one time – the kind where you eat and eat and eat. And today, as I’m thinking about it, I realize that there is something about me that I need to work on: My anxious mind MUST have something to do; unfortunately, the past couple of weeks, I’ve kept it busy sitting at a computer or my phone and stuffing my face with snacks, food, etc. I am a natural worrier – there is always something I MUST be doing, or else failure will happen, right? I’m starting to recognize the wear and tear I have put myself through as a result of this kind of thinking. I still need to work on it, but the bottom like is that I wasn’t exercising any mindfulness.
I struggle with that concept.
But, for the moment, I’m not going to let this set back deter me. Today, I pull up my big girl panties, get back in the saddle, fall and get up again, or whatever catch-phrase tells me to keep the fight going (Oh!!! I just had a thought about how I fight and what I do that has sustained me too long in a false way…but speaking about that internal anger I harbor, would be a good post for another time).
Anyways, since I’m beginning to ramble, I’m just going to reiterate this with the thought I had opening this post: