Today, I’m feeling a tad frustrated with myself amid various thoughts going on in my head. You see, I recognize I do not enjoy my job or career any more. I have lost my passion for it, but the major drawback is that I am not in a place, financially, where I can let it go just yet. I’m frustrated because I know that change involves effort and I am starting to feel like the changes I’m trying to make are not going to sustain my spirit for long and I feel like the cost to me is going to be great. The problem with this is that I am too far invested in my changes at this point, that I MUST see them through in order to get my return on investment.
I may have mentioned before that I tend to be a hyper focused individual and I know the effort it takes to make something happen. The problem for me is that I know the effort it takes to make something happen and I’m now feeling like I don’t want to make that effort anymore. I feel like my attitude has gotten lazy, and before I begin to go on an overly-emotional tirade that amounts to nothing than me pouting and feeling sorry for myself, let me express that I know that I am not balanced (Notice the subtle mockery I’m making of 45?) in my approach to things. Let me explain.
When I am hyper focused on things, I tend to let everything else fall to the side. I’m not the best at multi-tasking, or making priorities and assuming it is okay to sacrifice some things. No, I try to do and accomplish EVERYTHING; but when I am focused on one thing, that thing is the only thing that matters. Yesterday, I indicated, that I struggle with the concept of mindfulness, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t stop and smell the flowers, so to speak. If something is on my mind, I keep addressing it until it’s satisfied in my mind. But, I’m a perfectionist…which means NOTHING is ever satisfied in my mind.
This brings me to some of the problems I deal with on a daily basis. You see, I have a constant worry and fear of failing financially. I don’t feel secure, at all. Granted, before I was laid off a few years ago, I felt like I was finally getting to the point where I was feeling secure about finances. I’m the kind of person that was not above working a lot – constantly, really, to accomplish my goals. And it was finally starting to pay off. And then I lost my job and career and floundered for a couple of years to try and make things work. But, as you can imagine, being without work for an entire year and then struggling to get back to work into a job that pays well has put some burned on my shoulders to make sure I don’t fail. I managed to keep all of my family’s bills paid for the past few years and I am now back in the industry I was laid off from a few years ago. It’s been a fight.
But now, I am looking at myself and wondering if the personal cost has been worth it. I’m not as healthy as I had been 20 years ago. I’m not satisfied with the fact that I have gotten out of shape. I’m not engaged in any hobbies. I feel like I don’t see my family much and when I am home, I do nothing for myself, since they have had to sacrifice with me being gone so much. I feel like a shell of myself.
Sure, I’m trying to make changes. I’m trying to work on my health and I’m engaged in an online program that will give me an advanced degree that I am hoping to use to leverage a position in another industry, but I am not passionate any more. Nothing seems to spark me into interest that causes me to pursue with a fury I used to be able to do. And it others me, because this same lazy attitude I have, feels like it is impacting all areas of my life. And to top it off, I feel like this theme is recurring and without solution or satisfaction.
Maybe I’m just being impatient…
I’m just unclear what it is I need to do to make myself happy. And that is the most frustrating thing for me.