So, I’ve looked at myself, intently, again. I don’t think there is anyway around it – I’m an alcoholic. Many of you followed me a couple of years ago, when I began attending AA meetings and eventually I made the decision that I was not an alcoholic. I made the decision, because I felt like life was getting better.
But, last night, as I sat with the final beer of the evening, I realized that 100 ounces of beer was not making me feel any better than when I began. I realized I was fighting my anxiety and depression with alcohol again.
But, I’m going to be honest about something. I’m going to struggle with this. I really, really, really like beer. And I know when I am away for work and do not drink for two weeks straight, I don’t think about drinking. It’s on my way home that the urge strikes. I’ll have one beer my first night home…and two weeks later, before I am headed out to work again, I’m hammering five or six beers in a single setting. And right now, as I sit here thinking about it, I have the itch to go get another beer.
I know I can talk myself out of it. I’ve done that before. But I also attach conditions and caveats on the promises I make myself. I struggle thinking about admitting anything about alcohol – it’s an admission of weakness.
I hate feeling weak.
I want to do this. I want to overcome this issue. I feel like I create these issues within myself for some self-deprecating reason. But I know there is so much I want to change and when I sit and really think about it, I have to admit those things that are blocking me. The beer is one of the things hindering me.
So, today, I went to an AA meeting and decided it was a good day to start again (Someone tell me why I hear Billy Idol’s ‘White Wedding’ all of a sudden…) and I am marking it a step in the right direction!