This morning, I woke up with a vicious headache and feeling extremely thirsty. It’s one of the joys of having type 1 diabetes and your blood sugar is running high. But another side effect of blood sugar is the thoughts and dreams you have. Today, I woke up feeling extremely negative too. My thoughts are racing today, I feel this overwhelming sense of doom and I hate it. I began feeling this type of thing several years ago – it boils down to being nothing more than frustration and feeling a lack of control over my life.
It’s primarily why I began writing in the first place.
I’m not sure, exactly, when I began my first blog, but I began it because I needed an outlet for everything I was feeling. I felt like I had no one to speak with, I felt like I had lost all support among people. I knew I needed an outlet for having suppressed so many feelings and emotions. There was something about vomiting all of these emotions onto a screen that felt somewhat cathartic. I was able to divulge things I have kept locked away for far too long. I did this over and over, hoping I would eventually break free from the negative emotions I felt and having no answers to solve the problems I saw in my mind.
I was not good at maintaining my blogs, however, as many of you can attest. I tend to get wrapped up into my own thinking and eventually the frustration is so overwhelming that it becomes a constant reminder that nothing changes, that everything is cyclic. And, in my own self-deprecating fit of rage at my own ineptness, I delete my blog, delete my email, erase all remnants of who/what I became online.
But you can’t really delete yourself, can you?
Strangely enough, you are the one person that you are stuck with forever. At some point, it just seems that you’ll have to figure out how to accept and love yourself the way you are. But that has been a bit of a problem for me. I have been plagued, for years, with seeing flaws in myself. I felt a need to fix so many things about myself, as if there is something that needs changing.
I know where it comes from: the need to perfect and be better than I was before. It’s something I always felt was okay, some psychological power that speaks to the concept of mind over matter. If I wanted to BE something, I could change it, I could strive for something better to reach a goal I had in mind. I applied that concept to so many things in my life – earning a blackbelt, becoming a cop, getting my engineering degree, and so on.
Unfortunately, for me, I also applied that concept to changing things about myself to suit someone else’s opinion of me. At first, I resisted that urge and I had an attitude of “Love me or hate me, I don’t give a fuck, because I’m not changing!” It suited me well for so many years. But for some reason I allowed it to disappear and I have changed it with something else entirely. And now, I can never figure out how I should be, or who I should be. It has become a constant need to try and suit the needs of others by trying to be something or someone I don’t truly understand.
Ultimately, it only leads to more frustration.
But I have found an outlet. That outlet has been to put my thoughts and feelings down in writing. I have found a lot of peace and solace in putting everything here. I have found some great advice from people that read my words. I have found some friendships. I have found ways to accept myself – at least among my words, if not in my real life. I find that I can trudge on through life, if I allow myself the ability to feel and display my thoughts.
This is why I write.