Last night, I had a small discussion with a friend of mine. She had mentioned the words in the title to me, when we were discussing the possibility of my marriage ending. One of the great things about this friend – and so many of you that follow my neurotic blog – is the constant offer and show of support. Obviously, my sexuality is something of a contention within my own mind.
Before, I continue with my thoughts on this matter, let me clarify that I have absolutely no intention of cheating on my wife. I completely understand the degradation of a person it can cause, so my thoughts are simply hypothetical and ponderous and nothing more. Of course, as many of you might remember, I was separated about a year ago and I had considered dating during that separation, but I never met anyone.
So, the idea of me being in a relationship with a man has certainly crossed my mind. I’m not sure how it has been for other bisexuals, but for me, dating guys have never really occurred. I had mentioned previously the one and only date I have ever had with a guy, but I reacted like a scared, prude virginal little girl when he kissed me. Granted, I liked it, but I had no idea how to handle it or how to react to it – And for all I know, the poor guy might still be standing on that park path wondering why he even bothered with me (Okay, that’s giving me a little too much credit here…). Anyways, the point I’m trying to stress is that I have no idea HOW to have a relationship with a guy or be romantic with a guy. Almost the entirety of any same-sex interaction/attraction with a guy has been sexual and nothing more. Sure, I have had friendships with guys that I realized years after the fact that I was actually into them, but none of those friendships ever crossed any thresholds.
The thing is, I become extremely nervous and self-conscious when I think about relationships anyways, but to think about one with a guy becomes paramount to a panic attack (okay, kinda…I am being a bit dramatic) since I have never been romantic with guys. I don’t know the so-called rules for dating guys. I mean, I grew up fairly traditionally and knew it was my responsibility to ask girls out on dates, if I was interested (Yes, I know that’s not necessarily the norm now…but I feel like I grew up ages ago…or did I?). I knew it was expected that I spring for the date, hold doors open, be polite and respectful, etc., etc. The thing is, my persona, my sexual characteristics, my demeanor is almost a complete opposite when I am with a guy versus when I am with a woman. And, without the experience of romantic relationships with guys, I really would have no clue what to do or how to react. It’s a strange dichotomy for me.
I often wonder where it comes from or what causes me to think in this way. I’ve questioned my sexuality, as a result of this behavior. I have wondered if I am “bi enough”. From what I’ve read about bisexuals coming to terms with their sexuality, it is not uncommon for people to ponder this very thing. I wonder if it would become more obvious to people if I were to announce my sexuality as a symbol of pride. As many of you know, I really struggle with that altogether.
There is another blogger on here that I follow and I am connected to on Twitter that advocates a strong sense of pride in the bi-community. I would be lying if I said she did not make a strong argument, because it pulls at me to sometimes say “Fuck it!” and announce to the world that I love men and women. But there is always a voice inside of me that speaks to self-preservation and allows me the opportunity to consider the consequences of such a thing. Although I believe that the world and society has become more accepting, it is still not at a level that people like me feel embraced. For example, if I were in a night club and went up to some guy I found really attractive and began to flirt with him, I have a high chance of being punched in the face. At the same time, however, the idea and fantasy of being free to express oneself is encouraging to say the least.
Of course, this makes me contemplate something else, as well – heterosexual privilege. There is a common criticism homosexuals have of bisexuals – the idea that they can hide their bisexuality within a heterosexual lifestyle. I have to be honest, I take a great sense of security in knowing that my sexuality has been well hidden by being married to a woman (My wife is aware of my sexuality, however). Although, this criticism has never really bothered me, it does give me pause to consider that by doing this I have suppressed myself into a thinking that doesn’t allow for the idea of same-sex possibilities. Granted, I realize there are people out there with open-relationships, but I am more of a monogamous person than not (Although, I have caveats…). In that sense, I am closed off to other relationships while in one. So, contemplating being single again and dating – especially men – is a bit confusing to me.
I guess – as I realize I began to ramble in this post – what I’m trying to say is that I’m scared, nervous, and apprehensive at the idea of being romantically involved with a guy. It’s never really happened for me and I have wondered if I would be able to do that. And as my friend suggested last night, it may actually happen. Who really knows, huh?