I am coming down from some major frustration that I felt over the past 24-36 hours. I’m still frustrated, but I felt like my emotions were erratic and heightened over the past day. I had a number of changes that disrupted my plans for yesterday and today. As a result, I have to prepare to leave for work again tomorrow. To top it off, as most of you already know, I’m making an attempt to stop drinking again. The frustrating thing for me, is the fact that I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, wanted to go out for a beer last night.
I didn’t, but the desire and craving was there.
I suppose what I’m thankful about is that I could recognize what I was feeling. I could recognize what I wanted to do to solve the problem. This feeling brought me back to what I was doing the last time I tried to stop drinking – before I convinced myself that I didn’t have a problem. A couple of years ago, I was a year into being laid off from work and not having a job. I was a month away from not paying my mortgage and bills anymore. I was not aware, at this time two years ago, I was also about two months away from finding a job. It was a highly stressful time. Back then, I assumed I was an alcoholic, because of everything that was going on at the time, I was medicating with beer. A lot of things have changed, since then, but the anxiety I feel, the hopelessness I feel about my life’s situation, has not changed. I don’t like it.
Today, I’m sitting here and trying to force myself to be grateful. I can name some things I have in my life that I could easily say that it puts me in a better situation than a lot of people, but I can’t “feel” the way I should (there’s that damned word again…should). Logically, I know I am an alcoholic, but I keep fighting a feeling. I don’t like this feeling; but because of this feeling, maybe I can look at it as the point of the matter in this fight.
I have to admit…today I feel a little scatter brained and my words and thoughts don’t feel like they are coming to me in a coherent manner, but I wanted to type something out just because it makes me feel better.
Today is my 15th day of Sobriety…