I made a decision to stop drinking. I made the decision for a few different reasons, but the reality is I am not really the kind of person to avoid problems. In fact, for most of my life, I have faced challenges pretty willingly and courageously and it wasn’t until the past few years that I began to lose it and find myself incapable of facing problems…
…and if you believe any of that, I have a swamp to sell you.
Truthfully, I think I have always suffered from a lack of courage, confidence and know how. I had to be encouraged – a lot – by my parents when I was a kid to do the things that were important. Eventually, of course, I developed skills that allowed me to accomplish important things. And looking at my life’s history, it would not appear as if I suffer any sort of anxiety from lack of confidence. Truthfully, I appear to be a goal-oriented, driven person focused on success. I have always tried to seek out the right solution to challenges in life, and I took notice of anyone that might have accomplished something I wanted to accomplish. To me, it’s like playing by the rules. If I followed the rules, then life would make sense and everything would happen the way it’s supposed to happen.
It’s all bullshit, really. Nothing works out quite the way you plan. It reminds me of a refrigerator magnet my dad has that says, “We plan, God laughs”. I mean, how can one really plan for that kind of irresponsibility, huh?
As I put more time between me and the last drink I had, I notice the fog in my mind lifting and I am much more aware of the things I was attempting to hide from my mind. You see, I feel a need to hide my feelings, because I don’t know how to solve the problems in my life. I feel like I have so many too; when they are on the forefront of my mind, I feel the need to address them immediately. Of course, the reason I worry about this is because of the discomfort I feel. I would rather get things settled and behind me, rather than have them linger. Unfortunately, they are BIG problems that cannot be addressed in the short term.
I simply do not know how to deal with them all…
But, I can make it through today without drinking.
Sober 16 days.