Yesterday, I woke up in a bit of a crummy mood. I attribute it to Hilda. She was filling my head with negative thoughts and negative feelings. I did my best to try and combat her and refute her claims over my thinking. For the most of the day, I was able to push her out of my mind and force some positive thinking into my head. I attempted to stay busy with work, interacted with some of you on here, enjoyed some time on Twitter, read a little, worked towards something different. Unfortunately, Hilda spent the day with me and by the time I went to bed last night, her subtle whispering was still there.
For those of you that were not connected to my previous blog, or if you happened to forget, let me review who Hilda happens to be. She is that voice of negativity that exists inside of me. And when I was truly struggling with my thinking a couple of years ago (I don’t like admitting it, but I even had a suicide attempt), Hilda was filling my head with all kinds of negative thoughts and feelings – truly horrible things. At the time, I also had a follower on here that referred me to a book that was focused on women building their inner beauty and there was one chapter that suggested giving that negative inner voice a name – So, I named her Hilda. The chosen name, gave me a sense of someone evil, someone who cared little for my well-being, someone that wanted to see me fail at all aspects of my life.
Now, one might assume that there is a misogynistic undertone, since I’m male and I chose a female persona as my internal nemesis. But, at the time, I had been looking at my gender as somewhat of a fluid expression of who I am. I was accepting some truths about myself and one of those truths is that I felt I had a very feminine side of myself. And I was embracing it for a number of reasons. Granted, I’m akin to science, so I grasp the concept of genetically constrained differences in chromosomes, but that’s not really the point here, so I won’t discuss it that much. But the point is that I was looking at myself as someone with a male exterior and a female interior. And I think it had the nuance that women, typically (but not always) tend to be nurturers in their relationships with others, and I desperately needed that at the time (I named her Stephanie, by the way). I needed someone to counter the words, emotions and feelings of the evil Hilda. And since I was embracing a more feminine attitude towards myself, it only made sense to me that my arch-nemesis should be female as well – hence the name Hilda was born for that negative inner voice.
I feel like I rambled, but hopefully I explained that well enough…
Anyways, Hilda made her return yesterday and by the time I went to bed, I was noticing everything I did not like about myself. I was noticing everything I could not tolerate – my health, my physical appearance, my age, my attractiveness, my general well-being, etc., etc. I don’t like Hilda and I never have, but she has had power over me and I noticed it coming back yesterday and I was fighting against her. She made me feel like absolute crap!
But guess what?
I beat her. I woke up today, feeling similar to yesterday, but I sat down and took a deep breath, went to my knees, wrote in my personal journal a few things I am grateful to have in my life and I recited the Serenity Prayer (yeah, yeah, yeah…I know I struggle with this whole God thing…). I felt a sense of peace and decided that Hilda will not have her way with me today. I’m going to be positive. I’m not going to criticize myself. I’m going to accept my imperfections. I’m going to realize that I am a human being, with as much right to live a happy life as anyone else. I am going to tell myself three good things every single time I hear Hilda whispering something negative.
I’m not going to give up. I’m going to fight. I’m going to win. I’m going to kick some ass in this MoFo called life!