Drunk-A- Log.

Earlier, I had a bit of an emotional outburst.  I appreciate any of you that decided to stick around after I erupted into a whiny wuss wad. The truth of the matter is that yesterday morning, began with a bit of an emotional low, followed by some positivity, ending the evening with reminiscent thoughts and regrets. And then, I woke and experienced the emotional vomit I discussed earlier. I had every intention of writing about the topic in this post now, but I had to change my thinking a little.

But, I’m an alcoholic, and as they say in most AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings, alcoholism is a malady that exists in the mind. I’m going through the first step and preparing to take the second step and I am working with a sponsor in “working the program”, as they say.  And yesterday afternoon, I had a discussion with my sponsor about some of the tasks he has given me to accomplish within working the steps.

You see, one of the recommendations made to those in early recovery is to attend 90 meeting in 90 days, but I have the kind of job that really impacts that ability. So, my sponsor has suggested I do other things when I am away for work and unable to attend meetings: read out of the Big Book, listen to AA speakers online, keep a gratitude journal, call him on a daily basis and physically get on my knees and pray to a Higher Power. I’m not going to go into detail on each thing, but I did speak to my sponsor yesterday and we were discussing my allergy of craving and ultimately it led me to begin remembering different experiences involving alcohol. Members of AA, refer to these experiences as “drunk-a-logs”.

Well, I would be lying, if I said I didn’t continue to think about the various times I’ve drank too much. During the evening, I was continue to think about my relationship with alcohol and listening to old songs on my iTunes.  In my previous post, I indicated I had broken out into a bit of a cry-fest because a lot of the songs were reminding me of times when I felt I had my life together and reminding me of times I knew what I liked about life and it was a reminder of the times I liked myself. And it didn’t help that I was also thinking about my relationship with alcohol.

In one of the online AA speaker recordings I was listening too, one gentleman said when new comers come to an AA meeting, he tries to convince most of them that they are not alcoholic. His point is that there is a strong difference between heavy drinkers and alcoholics, and not all alcoholics are heavy drinkers. He was making a compelling argument expressing and describing how craving affects an alcoholic. And it got me to think about the times I’ve drank, drank too much, and drank enough for a small city. Furthermore, it made me look at how it’s been problematic and how I have lost the power of choice – the telling quality of an alcoholic.

A few of these times, including the risky behavior (Alcoholics don’t drink to do anything other than drink, so celebrations, failed relationships, a new job, losing a job, etc., etc.):

  1. Celebrating after exams in college, did not include just a celebratory drink with a  toast. It was a mission to get drunk.
  2. Various celebrations involving beer and tequila
  3. The time my friends took me to a party to get my mind off a girl that rejected to me (I wooed her with a poem, damnit!!!), I drank until drunk.
  4. Having EMTs strapping me to a gurney, when I passed out in a bar’s bathroom after getting drunk to get my mind off my girlfriend who boned another guy (this was the first time I was hospitalized, but not the first time I drank over this woman’s love of other men). The friend that took me out was concerned, because I had drank so much and he knew I was a type 1 diabetic. Interesting enough, he was also the guy buying me all of my drinks that night.
  5. The time I was out with fellow classmates and proposed to my cheating girlfriend, who happened to tell me, “Propose to me when you’re not drunk”.
  6. The time I was living with my grandparents who had a foreign exchange student and she tattled on me to my grandparents, because she felt I drank too much at the club I took her too and drove us home.
  7. The time I went home with a stripper and neither of us knew if we had sex…that was effing weird.
  8. There was the time I was a deputy sheriff and showed up for work, still under the influence of alcohol (luckily, I worked in a jail at the time and was not driving or anything).
  9. The time my wife and her sister had to practically drag me back to a car after celebrating my birthday – I was informed I was trying to cozy up with homeless people in alleys.
  10. Every single time I meet my dad for a drink and he has one rum-n-coke and I have about 3 or 4 tall beers (and probably more, if money was not stopping it).
  11. The other time I ended up in the ER, because I was found by family laying naked on the stairs. I had met classmates from highschool and once the drinking started, I did not stop. Someone drove me home and then I woke up in the E.R.  Needless to say, that was the last time I ever drank anything “hard” and convinced myself I only could drink beer (but looking at the one above, it doesn’t matter, since it has been more common, along with dinners out or just wanting to drink a beer to deal with life).

This is not a complete list of my drunk-a-log, but it demonstrates some of the more serious episodes. And what finally convinced me, is the fact that the most recent time I recognized that I was craving it in a fierce way. I was waking up each morning, waiting for the day to come to an end, so I can go to my favorite watering hole and have three of four beers before going to bed. Sitting there last night, listening to old music and reviewing these experiences, along with some of the better times of my life that I miss so much, I turned into a crying mess. I felt weak.

I believe I am a real alcoholic. I believe I have no power of choice and that my life became unmanageable. I am finally at a place of acceptance about this disease. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be an alcoholic. But facts are facts and cannot be refuted, no matter how many years I’ve denied it, not matter how many years I’ve tried to hide it or minimize it. I need to begin this process.

And I’m on the verge of accepting a Higher Power beyond myself that can restore me to sanity. And I’m hoping the need to control those things I cannot will leave me.

22 days Sober, today…

14 thoughts on “Drunk-A- Log.

  1. I come from a family of alcoholics, so undoubtedly have inherited that gene and the other gift they gave me – mental illness. On occasion I have been black-out drunk but can go decades without drinking that much or at all. It doesn’t really matter if I call myself an alcoholic but that it makes me feel bad if I drink too much. I am glad that AA is helping you but you can also seek medical help if you feel that your cravings are overwhelming. There are new drugs that help with the craving or perhaps you have an underlying medical issue like me.
    Alcohol is the same crutch for me as sugar – both make me feel like crap. Please don’t give up if you do give into temptation. Take each day at a time and don’t torture yourself about past mistakes or choices. I am thinking about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the warm thoughts. I kind of ascribe to the idea that alcohol isn’t the problem, it’s the symptom. I also read once that there is a link between addictions and bipolar. I thought that was intriguing, since they both exist in my family.
      I appreciate your comment and your encouragement. 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t have any experience of addiction but you write very passionately and have obviously come to accept that you are an alcoholic. I’m certain that writing on here will help you through some difficult times and you are doing so well in acknowledging your cravings and staying strong in resisting. Take each day as it comes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, so much. Trust me, it was not an easy admission. I have a sense of pride that screams out to me that this isn’t possible, that I’m not the person that gets defeated, but maybe it’s in surrendering to this reality that I will actually build from it.

      Thank you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There are similarities to my struggle with depression, I feel that for too long I blamed myself for my illness and each bad day was another reason to beat myself up about it. It is only recently that I have accepted that my depression (and ptsd) is a lifelong illness that will have better times and worse times. I think in accepting and in writing about these things we gain control and take some of the power from the illness.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Greetings, friend. I wrote a BUNCH of shit in response to this, but I erased it all (though I will be making a blog post in the near future that may [or may not] be helpful). As always, take whatever I write that makes you feel strong, whole, happy, and good about yourself, and ignore all the rest for the crap it is.

    The only thing that really matters is that you know people care about and support you. Accept your humanity. Accept that EVERY DAY, you cope as well as you are able. Some days, coping involves alcohol. Some days it doesn’t. You are no less of a person, you are no less deserving of love and care, just because your ability to cope isn’t as high as YOU (and people around you) think it should be.

    Are you able to accept the part of your soul that acquiesces to the addiction, or do you reject that part of yourself? AA tells you to admit you have an addiction, to make amends, surrender to a higher power, etc., but when I was in (court ordered) AA, I didn’t hear many people talking about self-acceptance. Not admitting there is a problem, but being able to love/accept the part of them that is ‘creating’ the problem. They’re too busy telling you all the things you have done wrong, and all the ways to make it right for everyone else, and how to avoid temptation and how to not give in, but…

    If you can’t accept the part of yourself that gives in to the drink, how can you ever be whole?

    Just my own thoughts. I just want to say IT IS OKAY. You are NOT a terrible person because you struggle with self-medicating with alcohol. You’re a brave person, because you’re trying to be a better person today than you were yesterday, and no one can ask more than that from you.

    *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are always welcome to write whatever in my comments sections. I know you speak from your heart and you merely mean to share what things you believe are best. I’ve always appreciated your advice – even when I was TS 😉 But, I truly like what you have to say about acceptance – it’s a place I’m trying to get to and I have been spending so many years of my life trying to reject the things that are innately who I am…

      Like

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