I’m having a hard time sorting through my feelings at the moment…I have some anger inside that is screaming to get out and it all stems from an interaction I had with my wife just a few moments ago. Truly, I do not do emotions very well at all…I’m utterly inept.
Originally, I had intended to write about listening to music last night. I’m a child of the 80s, so most of my musical tastes are from the mid-80s to mid-90s, and I had a bunch of songs on my iTunes that I played of shuffle last night and they were bringing back tons of memories of times when I felt good, felt happy and I had liked myself. I hate to admit it, but listening to all of these songs brought me to tears. And if that wasn’t the case, than my eyes really felt like my face needed a shower…
I don’t like where I’m at with my life. And to make it worse, I recognize that I sound like a broken record of repetitious thoughts, struggles, emotions and everything else that goes into the complete apprehension of being who I am. I know there are people that could easily prove that my life isn’t that bad, but the emotional black-hole in which I exist has an energy sucking phenomena about it.
And I’m frustrated.
I’m frustrated, because I know I need to get better. I know I need to feel better. I need everything to line up the exact way I need it, just so I can manage life. I despise that I feel so utterly helpless and out of control. I don’t want to help anyone with their problems, because I have my own and it shouldn’t be my responsibility to handle someone else’s shit. But, because I care, I want to. And I don’t like not knowing why someone is upset with me. I have an inherent knack for assuming something is my fault and I want to fix everything.
But the worst feeling is the feeling of not having any control over any of it.
I’m shaking, I’m so frustrated…
And I’m fighting so many self-destructive urges right now.
I fucking hate it.
Even the point of this post is lost in confusion, as I look back at it and see that I began two different emotional waves that really have nothing to do with one another, except to emphasize the point that I have become an emotional wreck. I am pissed at myself for even having the thought, but I am irritated that I can’t make everything line up in a way that is good or benefits me.
How effing selfish is that?
I suppose, in some strange way, I’m thankful that I do not have access to a beer at the moment. Because the craving has come on, full throttle. I have a physical sensation of tasting a good strong chocolate porter in my mouth at the moment. And I’m quickly reminded that this is the problem.
This is the malady that exists in my mind.
But at the same time, I want everything to leave me the fuck alone…
Day 22…and struggling.