Everything Inside is Screaming…

I’m having a hard time sorting through my feelings at the moment…I have some anger inside that is screaming to get out and it all stems from an interaction I had with my wife just a few moments ago. Truly, I do not do emotions very well at all…I’m utterly inept.

Originally, I had intended to write about listening to music last night.  I’m a child of the 80s, so most of my musical tastes are from the mid-80s to mid-90s, and I had a bunch of songs on my iTunes that I played of shuffle last night and they were bringing back tons of memories of times when I felt good, felt happy and I had liked myself. I hate to admit it, but listening to all of these songs brought me to tears.  And if that wasn’t the case, than my eyes really felt like my face needed a shower…

I don’t like where I’m at with my life. And to make it worse, I recognize that I sound like a broken record of repetitious thoughts, struggles, emotions and everything else that goes into the complete apprehension of being who I am. I know there are people that could easily prove that my life isn’t that bad, but the emotional black-hole in which I exist has an energy sucking phenomena about it.

And I’m frustrated.

I’m frustrated, because I know I need to get better. I know I need to feel better. I need everything to line up the exact way I need it, just so I can manage life. I despise that I feel so utterly helpless and out of control. I don’t want to help anyone with their problems, because I have my own and it shouldn’t be my responsibility to handle someone else’s shit. But, because I care, I want to. And I don’t like not knowing why someone is upset with me. I have an inherent knack for assuming something is my fault and I want to fix everything.

But the worst feeling is the feeling of not having any control over any of it.

I’m shaking, I’m so frustrated…

And I’m fighting so many self-destructive urges right now.

I fucking hate it.

Even the point of this post is lost in confusion, as I look back at it and see that I began two different emotional waves that really have nothing to do with one another, except to emphasize the point that I have become an emotional wreck. I am pissed at myself for even having the thought, but I am irritated that I can’t make everything line up in a way that is good or benefits me.

How effing selfish is that?

I suppose, in some strange way, I’m thankful that I do not have access to a beer at the moment. Because the craving has come on, full throttle. I have a physical sensation of tasting a good strong chocolate porter in my mouth at the moment. And I’m quickly reminded that this is the problem.

This is the malady that exists in my mind.

But at the same time, I want everything to leave me the fuck alone…

Day 22…and struggling.

35 thoughts on “Everything Inside is Screaming…

    1. It’s always a double edged sword when someone can relate…I feel bad that someone has to feel what I feel, and yet, I feel so blessed that someone can understand.
      Thank you, for your comment…and be prepared, I’m going to whip out a few entries today…lol

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I actually re-read my comment and was hoping you didn’t take it as if i’m looking forward to reading about how awful you feel 😉 No worries, i’m awful too and totally get it, ha ha!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m in a better mood now. The problems aren’t solved, but I’ve let go of the negativity for the time being. I’m gonna make it, Meg. I’m not sure how it’ll look on the other side, but I am going to make it. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Do you think the time of year is affecting people like us? I drank less last night but still snapped at my husband when he starting opening mail when I was trying to give him dinner. Somehow I had been a saintly friend in the afternoon but I couldn’t maintain the elevated mood. I am new to your blog so don’t know if you have an underlying problem such as depression or anxiety. I do and take medication for them. My doctor always tells me not to be so hard on myself and you should give yourself some love. Now I am going to read your latest blog. Hang on in there; so many of us are in the same rocky boat.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suffer from depression and I have a sneaky suspicion that I could be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I’ve even pondered the possibility of being bi-polar, since I have family members on my mom’s side of the family that are bi-polar. But, I also don’t want to get in a habit of running around and getting diagnosis after diagnosis – I don’t want to take away from their validity, but I get scared when it comes to pills.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely understand. My family tree is like a map of mental illness – on both sides! WTF!!! I worked for years in community mental health helping families with bipolar and schizophrenia but kept my own undiagnosed illness secret. After moving to Egypt in a war zone and then to Texas, I came out of the closet and got proper medication that has made my life so much better. Yes, I have had a variety of diagnoses but that is because mental illness is so complex and unique. It is still a new science – anti-depressants have only been available for a few decades. In my family alone we have autism, ADD, bipolar, depression, suicide, generalized anxiety and whatever I have. Only you can decide what to do. I don’t tell my employers but I do tell colleagues and friends, if I trust them.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I have a couple of crazy little old cats upstairs, and a ton of old paperbacks. Lately I read Regency romances and Matthew Hughes, whom I get a kick out of–sort of quaint plus scifi/fantasy. I found some of my old books in boxes frommoving here last year and just read what I find.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You bet. This year is the first time I stood indoors and the bones in my arms get cold right down to the bone, so now I know what they mean by ‘bone-chlling cold’ or whatever that phrase is. Might eb time to go back up to the cats and say screw it for internet–

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I had seen this sooner, but it does look like the writing may have helped. I’m glad you are feeling better. 22 days is huge and 23 will be even more so, and there is not a drink in the world (not even a porter) that is worth giving that success up. Carry on and stay strong my friend. I am sorry you had a rough time and I am sending warm thoughts your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel terrible for you. I get it. I really do. But…..I must correct you on one thing. You are NOT selfish. You’ve listened to me before and given me advice. You’re a good friend. Wish we lived closer so we could hang out. Hugs Sweetness 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry to read of your struggles. Music is a great release and distraction from what ails us. I have a variety of playlists I created of 8 or 10 songs that I really enjoy (current country and top 40) and I change out songs when I get tired of one or find a new “favorite” or create another playlist.
    I always put it on shuffle so the surprise element is also good for my brain. If you look at the research, novelty can be good for your brain. I digress ….
    Good luck in your search for your happy place and finding the balance. At some level and at some point in our lives, we all deal with this search.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankfully, I’m feeling much better than they day I wrote this post. And it’s funny (ironic….not haha), that I noticed one of the things I quit doing years ago is listening to music. I’m trying to do a little more of that now.
      Wonderful suggestion and thank you! ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

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