Self-Acceptance & Sexuality.

Yesterday, I was having an exchange with another blogger and the topic concerned sexuality – namely mine.  And she offered a couple of posts on her own blog that addressed the issue of sexuality and it made me reminisce a little about the previous blog I kept.  I felt I really began to come to terms with myself, by exploring various topics about sexuality, relationships, love and sex.  I found it to be somewhat empowering and a chance for me to review my own behavior and exploration of all things sexual. It was probably less exciting for other people, but I found it to be a great way for me to explore myself.

For example, I had an entire series of posts that I categorized as SARD (Sexual And Relationship Development), in which I went over the entire history of my life with respect to love, sex, experience, relationships and anything else relevant. Although I intended it to be a fairly complete expose of myself, I never got very far on it, because I deleted the blog in a fit of frustration because I’m a whiney wuss wad and that’s what I do. But, I had discussed a wide variety of issues – the first time I had sex, my first kiss, several sexual firsts, my first real love, my marriage, the time I was sexually molested as a child, the time a friend had raped me, my first interests in girls, the realization that I was not “normal” in sexual orientation, the first date I had gone on, my nervousness around girls, and so on and so forth. It really gave me a chance to look at my own sexual behaviors, my experiences in romances and ultimately it gave me a lot better look at myself and who I am as a bisexual man.

Ultimately, that blog allowed me the freedom to express who I am as a real person. But I ended up deleting it for a variety of reasons. Some of it had to do with improvements in my marriage and I wanted to let go of things I felt were holding me back. Some of the reasons had to do with me questioning the nature of sexuality again. You see, I’ve mentioned it before, but having a sense of pride in my sexual orientation is difficult for me to say the least; and so, I felt that I wanted to distance myself from that again.

I deleted the blog, but today I am feeling a real sense of loss over that. I’m not comfortable with it. And I’m reluctant to mention it for a number of reasons. I sometimes question everything I understand about relationships and although we live in a time of more acceptance, the most difficult thing to accept, it seems, is oneself. Since, I’m currently working on my sobriety, there is a lot going on in my mind. And obviously, my sexuality, my relationship, my sense of value in myself, are under self-scrutiny.

Yet, as I think about the reason I began this current blog, I think about the time I mentioned that I did not want this blog to be about my sexuality. I wanted to force the matter to be a subject of fact – no different than my taste for chocolate ice cream covered with peanut butter (That is to die for, yo!). I didn’t want to turn my blog into an advocacy for LGBTQ+ – not that I’m against it, but because I wanted my blog to be something of value t others. I wanted to be an inspiration in some way (Eh…maybe my ego know no bounds, huh?). I felt that if my bisexuality is authentically a part of me, it is no different than my blue eyes (yeah, baby…feel free to gaze into them!). In other words, if I was comfortable with myself, then there would be no reason to keep mentioning over and over and over that I’m bisexual. But, here I am, again, doing exactly that.

I guess on some level, I’m always questioning it. I’m always trying to prove something to myself one way or another. And, as I think about the blog I used to keep, I feel a sense of sadness that it no longer exists to allow people to get to know me better…

…ahh….there it is…

(Okay, sometimes I whip these posts out in the moment and thoughts hit me and I just spew them out)

I want validation!

That’s truly what it is, isn’t it?

Relationships, romance, sex, sexuality, friendships, interactions with other human beings, acceptance – it is all about the connection with other people we want to feel. And I suppose, I am no different. I value being connected to others.

Somehow, I think this topic is something worthy of more exploration…or maybe, I just need to go back to gratuitously offering my sexual nature all over my blog like some low-class attention whore…?

Who really knows?

14 thoughts on “Self-Acceptance & Sexuality.

  1. For the record, I think pushing or FORCING down your expression of your bisexuality to somehow distance yourself from the whole thing is a big No-No in my eyes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand your reasons behind it, so you don’t have to necessarily get all LGBTQ+ “preachy” to explore the subject and find yourself again here on your blog, but I sense, (and I could be totally off base here), that you seem to be punishing yourself for the enjoyment of the self-discovery with your bisexuality. Try to move away from that, and even though you don’t feel like you want to explore sexuality on THIS blog, I think throwing a few posts about it here and there won’t do any harm at all. So be kind to yourself about it, if you can.

    Oh, about the Blue Eyes, (Total swoon).

    Oh, and bisexual men are the sexiest men on the planet. Hands Down. No contest. I don’t care what anyone says. (So swoon again!)

    Great post! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i think it is really valuable to examine your life issues and memories and whatever you may have feelings about, and I used to keep a paper diary for decades. I slowed down on that, and am not big on going itno details about serious stuff on my own blog (which is just my tarot business). Perhaps you can write a private diary for yourself, or write about things here–whatever makes you feel better. Maybe make some entries private if that suits you–

    I tend to feel that whatever *you* feel you are as far as sexuality is what you are–bisexual, pansexual, asexual, heterosexual, whatever or no combination. So I validate that whatever you feel you are is great by me, even though it is your own business!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I do that too. I created a background for my laptop based on a t-shirt I saw online- “I’m not your gay best friend, I’m your BI ARCH NEMESIS!”- and angled it subconsciously so that others would be able to see, whenever I was in a public place. It’s difficult not to crave validation in some way, no matter what it’s for.
    If you feel like mentioning it over and over and over again, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Exploring it within your own mind isn’t being an attention whore, even if you post that exploration on the internet. 🙂 Despite any reasons for posting it. When I log onto WordPress, my eyes always jump to the little bell in the corner, hoping I’ve got notifications, no matter what I have or haven’t posted- that’s my source of validation, I guess.
    Tell me where to go if I’m way off the mark, but in your head, does it feel like you’re betraying your wife in some way by not supressing your sexuality? Like you associate being married to a woman with straighness, I mean, so exploring bisexuality feels like a betrayal of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’m betraying her. I did at one time, because I felt almost dirty for the way I felt. But over time, I grew a little more comfortable with myself because I felt it was the act of doing something outside of marriage that is the betrayal and I was not doing that.

      And I love the Bi-arch nemesis connotation! Bwahahahaha!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s good, then. I’m glad it’s not something that bothers you anymore. 🙂
        😀 I’m very proud of it- I laughed forever when I found the t-shirt, and I knew I had to make a background or something.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You are so far from ‘whiney wuss wad’ Brosis! You are an ass-kicking human being who is figuring out loud what makes you happy, healthy and horny. Write on, Blue Eyes!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes, “Tarnished Soul” I miss your blog too. I browsed the comments of others here and it feels like most are saying you should keep writing about your sexuality. That is my bias as well. It seems that best blogs (in my opinion) are the ones that have an overall quest tying everything together. This is something that is on your mind and many of us have a central top of mind question we are working through as well. I enjoy your explorations because even if my central quest for understanding differs from the details of yours, we all can learn from how you think through and approach topics important to you. And, we get to know you better as you share intimate thoughts with us. It is strange, but in many ways we come to know more about one another here than we do people in our non-virtual world. At any rate, write and think about whatever makes you happy. I’ll read it.😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement Michael. I’ve been giving it some thought, for sure, but I am not quite sure how I’ll go about discussing it. In some ways, I feel like a broken record. Or maybe, I just think so highly of myself to assume anyone would WANT to read it…ha! But I appreciate your comments, like always.

      Like

  6. I am so glad that your comments have all been positive. Our sexuality is an innate part of ourselves, so why not talk about it? I have only had one negative comment on my blogs about sexuality. Not everyone believes in bisexuality but I do. I believe our attraction to other humans can cross genders. It happens in other species, too. Before I married, I had a very serious relationship with another guy. I still think of him from time to time and I definitely have crushes on people around me. None of that makes me love my husband less, or fancy him less. We still bicker for no good reason…😊
    I am really sorry that you suffered sexual abuse, so many of us do but I am glad society is more accepting.

    Like

  7. I posted a comment but I think WordPress has spammed me again! I am glad you felt able to express your sexuality, which is an integral part of you, and that your comments are so positive. Thinking of you this weekend and hoping it is a good one. 🍀

    Liked by 1 person

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