Yesterday, I was having an exchange with another blogger and the topic concerned sexuality – namely mine. And she offered a couple of posts on her own blog that addressed the issue of sexuality and it made me reminisce a little about the previous blog I kept. I felt I really began to come to terms with myself, by exploring various topics about sexuality, relationships, love and sex. I found it to be somewhat empowering and a chance for me to review my own behavior and exploration of all things sexual. It was probably less exciting for other people, but I found it to be a great way for me to explore myself.
For example, I had an entire series of posts that I categorized as SARD (Sexual And Relationship Development), in which I went over the entire history of my life with respect to love, sex, experience, relationships and anything else relevant. Although I intended it to be a fairly complete expose of myself, I never got very far on it, because I deleted the blog in a fit of frustration because I’m a whiney wuss wad and that’s what I do. But, I had discussed a wide variety of issues – the first time I had sex, my first kiss, several sexual firsts, my first real love, my marriage, the time I was sexually molested as a child, the time a friend had raped me, my first interests in girls, the realization that I was not “normal” in sexual orientation, the first date I had gone on, my nervousness around girls, and so on and so forth. It really gave me a chance to look at my own sexual behaviors, my experiences in romances and ultimately it gave me a lot better look at myself and who I am as a bisexual man.
Ultimately, that blog allowed me the freedom to express who I am as a real person. But I ended up deleting it for a variety of reasons. Some of it had to do with improvements in my marriage and I wanted to let go of things I felt were holding me back. Some of the reasons had to do with me questioning the nature of sexuality again. You see, I’ve mentioned it before, but having a sense of pride in my sexual orientation is difficult for me to say the least; and so, I felt that I wanted to distance myself from that again.
I deleted the blog, but today I am feeling a real sense of loss over that. I’m not comfortable with it. And I’m reluctant to mention it for a number of reasons. I sometimes question everything I understand about relationships and although we live in a time of more acceptance, the most difficult thing to accept, it seems, is oneself. Since, I’m currently working on my sobriety, there is a lot going on in my mind. And obviously, my sexuality, my relationship, my sense of value in myself, are under self-scrutiny.
Yet, as I think about the reason I began this current blog, I think about the time I mentioned that I did not want this blog to be about my sexuality. I wanted to force the matter to be a subject of fact – no different than my taste for chocolate ice cream covered with peanut butter (That is to die for, yo!). I didn’t want to turn my blog into an advocacy for LGBTQ+ – not that I’m against it, but because I wanted my blog to be something of value t others. I wanted to be an inspiration in some way (Eh…maybe my ego know no bounds, huh?). I felt that if my bisexuality is authentically a part of me, it is no different than my blue eyes (yeah, baby…feel free to gaze into them!). In other words, if I was comfortable with myself, then there would be no reason to keep mentioning over and over and over that I’m bisexual. But, here I am, again, doing exactly that.
I guess on some level, I’m always questioning it. I’m always trying to prove something to myself one way or another. And, as I think about the blog I used to keep, I feel a sense of sadness that it no longer exists to allow people to get to know me better…
…ahh….there it is…
(Okay, sometimes I whip these posts out in the moment and thoughts hit me and I just spew them out)
I want validation!
That’s truly what it is, isn’t it?
Relationships, romance, sex, sexuality, friendships, interactions with other human beings, acceptance – it is all about the connection with other people we want to feel. And I suppose, I am no different. I value being connected to others.
Somehow, I think this topic is something worthy of more exploration…or maybe, I just need to go back to gratuitously offering my sexual nature all over my blog like some low-class attention whore…?
Who really knows?