Today I’m feeling irritable.
I’m not sure where it’s coming from but it’s really bothering me today how angry and irritable I’m feeling. I can feel something pulling me, pulling my thoughts with an inception of negative animosity towards a lot of different things. I’m not sure if it’s the small disagreement I had with my daughter today, I’m not sure if it’s my wife being on the verge of quitting another job, I’m not sure if it’s my own lack of control over getting ahead financially, I’m not sure if it’s the small political discussion I engaged, I’m not sure if it’s the lack of comfort I feel in my own skin, I’m not sure if it has to do with being contacted about work when I am on my days off, I’m just not sure.
But I’m irritable and it feels like everything is bothering me today and making it worse.
I went to a AA meeting today and it was based on the 2nd Step of the program in Alcoholics Anonymous – ya know, the one that says only a Higher Power can restore us to sanity. I met with my sponsor after. I felt at peace in that meeting. I felt the proverbial serenity meeting with my sponsor – and we happened to discuss the 2nd step. I am dying for something in my life to be different and I am unsure how to exact that change.
I know that it feels like I’m getting worse today. I don’t feel like I know how to dissipate the anger I feel, the turmoil that churns inside of me. I feel like I have forgotten good ways of letting go of even minor irritations and I feel like everything rests on my shoulders. I feel like there is no escape from myself – and God knows I have tried. I don’t want to drink, however, but I have felt that familiar urge to numb my senses. I have felt that I have relied on having a beer or more as a way to relax. I have made drinking a solution to my issues – knowing full well that drinking is not a productive way to handle life’s problems.
The idea behind acceptance is prevalent in AA, it’s meetings, the 12 steps and working with a sponsor. I fully understand that acceptance of life is a way to handle life. I have also believed, however, that doing something about your problems is way better that sitting and bitching about them. In fact, I readily admit that I’m sick of bitching, complaining and whining. I WANT to do something about it all, but I don’t know how to solve my problems in any way that benefits everyone involved. I’ve always known what to do in ways that benefit me, but I don’t want to approach life in a selfish way either.
This has always been the defining crux of my problems – making myself happy and making those around me happy at the same time.
And I’m stuck. But I have come to accept that I am an alcoholic, I accept that my life has become unmanageable, I accept that I am powerless over the first drink. I believe in a Higher Power. I accept that I can be restored to sanity.
I can’t accept much of anything else without being irritated…
I don’t like it one bit. But I’ll stay sober today.