Rigorous Honesty (NSFW/21+)

There are days when I feel the urge to simply state:

I suck cock.

(Honestly, I haven’t done that in quite some time, so maybe I should say “I have sucked cock”.)

As many of you are aware, I consider myself bisexual and I am also addressing my alcoholism. To say I have struggled with either might be a bit of an understatement. And, as I’ve mentioned so many times before within this blog, I never intended this blog to be focused on my sexuality. In fact, I have expressed that I simply want it to be an honest and truthful part of who I am, no different than saying I have a preference for Oreo cookies or peanut butter on top of everything. But I would be utterly lying, if I said that it isn’t something I still think about.

But, in addressing my alcoholism – which I have finally admitted (If you have to debate this, you probably are an alcoholic…just sayin’). Maybe it is utterly time to be honest about my sexuality. I have spent a great portion of my life denying the reality to myself. Of course, being raised catholic and having values instilled in me that are traditional male characteristics, it has been a bit confusing at times. Throughout my life, I have always assumed sexuality is a matter of choice, a matter of behavior and have even accepted a point of view that if one is born with a certain sexual orientation then it is their cross to bear in refusing to behave in certain ways.

But is that being honest with oneself?

In a previous post, I mentioned that I was considering discussing my sexuality in this blog again. I have often wondered if my rehashing things over and over would somehow benefit me psychologically. But I have to be honest with myself and admit that all it does is cause me to question myself over and over again.  I mean, I turn 46 this year – shouldn’t this shit be fucking settled in my own mind?  I mean, I’m married and have kids, so why would sexual thoughts even be a concern, huh?  I won’t deny that I enjoy some of the physical reactions I have to some women, so why couldn’t I enjoy the physical reactions I have to men, right? (I’m not suggesting I cheat here, but merely accept the reality of sexuality…)

But, what if my true nature is to run from the responsibility of life?  I have done that. I have sunk myself into drinking to avoid the uncomfortable situations of life, so would not sex and sexuality be a similar way to run from life’s responsibilities?  For bisexuals, we often get stigmatized by being in what’s referred to as a “heterosexual relationship” to gain some sort of privilege that allows us the opportunity to be bisexual but not have anyone suspect it. Although, it’s another form of stereotype, I know for myself that I have enjoyed that part of my privacy. I like not having to tell anyone that I’m bisexual. And I have always assumed that no one needs to know my sexual history outside of how it affects a current relationship.  I once had someone tell me that his sexuality is on a need to know basis; so can’t mine be, as well?

I’ve said before, that on some level I feel like I need others to accept my sexuality long before I can do it. I need others to accept me, before I can accept myself?  Seriously, what kind of fucked up thing is that?  It’s literally asking for others to validate me, so I can see my value. And then I ponder the reality of my sexuality. I wonder about what/who I really am…  Can sexuality be perverted into something that is wrong? Or evil? Or worse – am I wrong or evil? That’s truly the question I want answered, is it not?

I understand the blatant notion of sucking cock at random would seem like a horrible thing for anyone to do – regardless if it’s a male or a female doing it. The idea of being a cock-whore is probably a less than appealing label for anyone to have, but if there is some notion that someone does it because they are in a relationship with someone, would there be as much questioning of it? Of course, would we really know or care? In my previous blog, I once wrote a post titled, “You call me cock-sucker, like it’s a bad thing”. And I went on a long explanation validating myself as a bisexual man.

But why?

Doesn’t the fact that I constantly seek out validation online about my sexuality somehow imply I am uncomfortable being a bisexual man? I can’t help but explore this possibility that I have never really been comfortable with myself. I have so many areas of my life that I have lost confidence and now that I am more sober, my mind is becoming more clear and I am thinking again instead of running from the thoughts in my mind – I’m attempting to address them. But, sometimes it’s this entire process of trying to figure myself out that is the problem.

And, I know it’s something that plagues me, because I have always wanted to do the right thing in life. I have always sought perfection. I understand, from attending more and more AA meetings, that this is something that I will be addressing as a resentment – one of those things that will create the conditions for an alcoholic to drink. This idea that I can achieve any sort of perfection in life. It seems like such a simple answer…

…but is it?

24 thoughts on “Rigorous Honesty (NSFW/21+)

  1. as a open-minded guy I believe that whatever you put in your mouth or your ass is your business. I believe in love between consensual beings. If you’ve achieved that what do you really care what people think? What two people do is equally disgusting and normal and it doesn’t matter if noone gets hurt. You don’t need anyone’s validation but you do appear to be seeking it. You don’t need to. You only need to be comfortable in your own skin.
    I do applaud you for your brutal honesty, it takes great courage. If you have enough courage to post this you have enough to tell someone to keep their judgement to themselves

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I think gender identity is a huge and complicated issue. My daughter is gender fluid right now. She has found a gender focused therapist to help us work through who she wants to be.
    Maybe finding someone to help you work out who you are would help?
    We should all be comfortable in our own bodies. Even if others aren’t.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Interesting enough, I read an article today that has made a link with 20 genetic markers in DNA that have some commonality among transgenders…

      I have considered seeing a therapist again, but I’m not sure right now. I have a lot of financial challenges at the moment and I’m trying to keep my costs low…including therapy.

      I wish the best for your child whomever she/he discovers they are…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. These are really different questions that you ask, so I want to be clear in my opinions in case that is of some help. I cut and pasted your quote, and MY REPLIES ARE IN BOLD TO TRY TO MAKE IT EASY TO READ.

    “Can sexuality be perverted into something that is wrong? Or evil? YES I THINK IT CAN BE IF DONE WITH BAD INTENTIONS OR CARELESSLY IN A WAY THAT RESULTS IN HARMING SELF OR OTHERS. Or worse – am I wrong or evil? NO, YOU SEEM THOUGHTFUL AND LIKE YOU ARE TRYING NOT TO HURT SELF OR OTHERS. PERSONAL PREFERENCES ARE PERSONAL PREFERENCES. That’s truly the question I want answered, is it not?” UM, IS IT? For me, just reading the fact of your being married to a woman and maybe not feeling free to express the side of yourself that wants to be with others might be a giant issue and that might be the question you are really looking at. It might be worthwhile to examine things like your satisfaction with your own sex life now, and what agreements and limits you may feel in your current marriage. I know that I as a married person whose partner would freak out if I ever went with anyone else of any gender, it can affect one’s sense of self-sovereignty and it can feel really repressing in some ways if not discussed or worked with in healthy ways. Good luck with it all–

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I reckon it’s probably quite natural to need validation as well as reassurance from others – after all, it’s because of the world around us that we grow up to have the values we do. Just look at young kids! They have not yet absorbed the conditioning of e.g. mum-dad-children or gender roles or what have you and just look how carefree they are. I think in some ways the older we get, the more our minds close up if we’re not careful. It’s only in recent history that us ridiculous humans have finally begun to accept (and at best, celebrate) that one’s sexuality can be perfectly normal in a whole bunch of ways regardless of what (or who) we like to put in our mouths. Anyway. The main thing I’m grappling with, as you are too alongside your thoughts around your sexuality, is alcoholism. And I find myself being very open about it now a couple of months in, yet I am careful not to use the A-word about myself in case it’d hurt my family – not necessarily the worry about my drinking but because it’s still a dirty label that has so many misconceptions and carries a stigma, and in the small town they are from and still live in, it’d be enough for people to whisper… Perhaps not the same thing, but what I got from your post and what I related to was how we can sometimes clearly feel, see and know something about ourselves and be at peace with it (more or less) yet feel conflict in facing the rest of the world because of the reactions we may get and/or how whatever it is might be at odds with the view of the world we were raised or conditioned to see as normal. Oh, I’m rambling now, sorry! Enjoyed this post and it made me think. Sophie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the words of encouragement, Sophie. I think you really hit on a couple of things for me in your comment – I also am not comfortable sharing the A-label with my extended family. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that everyone has always expected great things from me. Oddly, that has a lot to do with why I don’t out myself, as well. Also, I really appreciate what you’re saying about societal norms and it being difficult to accept for myself.

      Again, thank you so much! And feel free to ramble here anytime! 🙂

      Like

  5. So I’ve read this post a couple of times…..
    First, you mentioned that you didn’t really what this blog to be about your sexuality, but I say, this is yours to write about whatever the fuck you want to write about. I believe for you, this is journal of sorts. A way to get the thoughts that are speeding around in your head, out there, without actually verbalizing them. So if you need to write a hundred times a day about your sexuality then do it and make no apologies for it.
    Second, I’ve read some of your posts, which I love btw, about you seeking validation about being bisexual from others. My thoughts and I could be wrong, are that really there is actually only 1 or 2 people in your life that you want to accept your attraction in men. Likely that person pops into your head when you think about speaking your truth. And I’m thinking there is a great deal of anxiety that tags along with it.
    Dont beat yourself up. Society has placed too much emphasis on the rights and wrongs of life and anything outside the box is unjust and immoral. Well fuck the box. Life is way more fun outside of it.
    There is nothing at all wrong with being sexually attracted to someone of the same sex. And why do we put so much emphasis on labels any way. And the end of the day you are sexually attracted to people. Both male and female. Your preference may not be the gender, but maybe it’s the race, or the hair colour, or body type and no one is judging that. So why does it matter what part is between the legs??? And as long as you are true to you, whether vocal or not about it, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Only you walk your path.
    Acceptance will come from with in when the time is right. Everything happens for a reason, you may just not know what it is yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I truly appreciate your comments here and I truly take a lot of comfort in them. Going back and reading the post, I can easily see my struggle with the “shoulds” – something I have always struggled with is when I have an expectation of how I see life and then discover my expectations do not match reality…
      …and I think I just had an epiphany…

      Fuck the box! Thank you for that! 🌸☺️

      Like

      1. Epiphanies are always good!
        And YES!!! Fuck the box. It’s limited, judgemental and constrained. Nothing good happens inside that box. 😏

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t think I can add anything to the other comments other than would you beat yourself up about a sexual fantasy with a woman you desire? Thoughts are just thoughts and I think you might be surprised how many people have ‘illicit’ desires.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’ve mentioned in the past about difficulties with sex and also religion. May I recommend a book called “Sex and God: How Religions Distorts Sexuality” by Dr. Darrel Ray. Keep up the good work on your sobriety!

    Liked by 1 person

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