If you have to wonder…

I remember the first few times I tried to get sober and one of my major hang-ups about being an alcoholic is the”yets” I have.  I am not what would be called a “low-bottom drunk”.  And I have had ample people express to me that I don’t have to get to the bottom floor to get off the elevator going down.  I have always understood what those things mean, logically, but my mind has always convinced me that everything is going to be okay.

Today, I’m having one of those days. I’m having one of those days that a little tempting voice in my head is telling me, “You’ve made it this far, what’s one beer gonna hurt?”  I hate that voice, but I recognize it.  It’s Hilda – she wants to see me fail. She is not my friend!  But I don’t like how compelling it is at times.

I was hearing it some yesterday and I attended two AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings as a result.  Those meetings helped keep me present and concerned with the here and now.  I’m probably going to be attending two more today – hell, three if I have to – and I’m going to make it today.  I feel like I’m white knuckling it a little today, but I feel that I can make it through today.

I’m struggling with a couple of things right now, and I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not being very grateful for the life I have.  I have not decided how to address things, but I am working towards a solution that does not involve beer. It’s what I need to do, but more so that it is what I want to do. I don’t want to drink anymore (Actually, I’m craving it, but I’m trying to think my way into better thinking…), because I know it’s not healthy for me – mentally or physically.

I’ll make it…but I’ll probably check in a little later.

Day 36 of sobriety

9 thoughts on “If you have to wonder…

  1. Thinking of you.. if it’s any consolation, I admire your strength and wish I had the courage that you do in taking on and facing what you know is not good for you. Hoping your day goes well and smoothly!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When Hilda comes knocking, just remember how you’d feel if you do have that beer. Would you be disappointed, mad at yourself, feel like you failed? Probably one or all of those things. Tell Hilda to fuck off.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with the previous speaker – tell Hilda to fuck off! With that said, I imagine it must be petrifying to hear her and feel the craving. I am still nervous that my monster (I have no name for it YET) will rear its ugly head and try to get me to drink. It hasn’t happened YET but I suspect it’s just a matter of time. It seems like you’re doing an amazing job though and well done for getting through the harder days, like someone says here too some days are just hard! You are so strong and you have all us reading your blog rooting for you to succeed and I know you will. You can totally do this and how far you’ve come already is proof of that. And I can totally relate to all the YETS – I seem to have an abundance of those too!! All the best, Sophie x

    Liked by 1 person

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