I remember the first few times I tried to get sober and one of my major hang-ups about being an alcoholic is the”yets” I have. I am not what would be called a “low-bottom drunk”. And I have had ample people express to me that I don’t have to get to the bottom floor to get off the elevator going down. I have always understood what those things mean, logically, but my mind has always convinced me that everything is going to be okay.
Today, I’m having one of those days. I’m having one of those days that a little tempting voice in my head is telling me, “You’ve made it this far, what’s one beer gonna hurt?” I hate that voice, but I recognize it. It’s Hilda – she wants to see me fail. She is not my friend! But I don’t like how compelling it is at times.
I was hearing it some yesterday and I attended two AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings as a result. Those meetings helped keep me present and concerned with the here and now. I’m probably going to be attending two more today – hell, three if I have to – and I’m going to make it today. I feel like I’m white knuckling it a little today, but I feel that I can make it through today.
I’m struggling with a couple of things right now, and I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not being very grateful for the life I have. I have not decided how to address things, but I am working towards a solution that does not involve beer. It’s what I need to do, but more so that it is what I want to do. I don’t want to drink anymore (Actually, I’m craving it, but I’m trying to think my way into better thinking…), because I know it’s not healthy for me – mentally or physically.
I’ll make it…but I’ll probably check in a little later.
Day 36 of sobriety