S.A.R.D. #1 – First Sexual Encounter (NSFW/21+)

WARNING: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and will be thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity, but it will certainly have some triggering aspects to it, since I discuss being molested as a child.

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I’m sure some of you read the title to this entry and assumed I was going to divulge losing my virginity; unfortunately, my first sexual encounter did not have me as a knowingly willing participant and it involved more than one child than myself. No, my first sexual experience was a molestation by a babysitter. Although I am no longer plagued with the impact it had on me, it did play a significant role in me trying to figure out and understand my own sexuality. It also involved my cousin, who was my playmate during the most formative times of my childhood.

To set the stage, it is necessary to explain that my mom and my aunt (my mom was the oldest child in her family and my aunt was the second oldest) were both single mothers. As a result of this, my cousin – who is only 5 months younger than I am – and I had grown up together. My mom and aunt would spend some of their social life together, as well, and it was not uncommon for us to have a mutual babysitter or even stayed with family members together. And for some reason, my mom and aunt had hired a male babysitter for my cousin and I one evening.

I’m not sure if that evening was a social matter or my mom and aunt both happened to be working.   My cousin and I were at my aunt’s place; I think it was an apartment, but I can’t really remember, since it was so long ago. I remember we had pizza that night and I can’t really remember all of the details of the molestation, but he had molested both my cousin and I.  The reason the exact beginning of the molestation matters, is because either my cousin or I had peed ourselves sometime after dinner.  It’s an important matter, because often times it is common for victims of a molestation to pee their pants during a molestation or sexual assault (and often times re-occurring accidents after a traumatic event like this).

So, the babysitter took my cousin and I too the bathroom to clean-up – or at least that’s what I remember the explanation to be. As we went into the bathroom, he had my cousin remover her clothes and panties and then ordered me to do the same.  He had us bathe together (maybe not odd for a couple of 3 or 4 year olds), but then it became wrong…

We were asked to touch each other in our private spots. And as we did that, the babysitter had removed his own penis from his trousers. I don’t remember a whole lot after that, other than being forced to touch it. He had both my cousin and I do this. I don’t remember much other than the touching, but I do have a memory of his penis being in my face or I was just so shocked that I could see it…  The rest of the night, if anything occurred, is a complete blur.  I don’t honestly remember anything else, nor do I want to remember, but I do blame this situation for my confusion when it came to my sexual coming of age, so to speak.

I never told my mom and I don’t know if my cousin ever told anyone. I know she and I never discussed it, and although I had other situations in life that did not feel right, she had some later in life that were far worse than mine. I think, the point I want to make with this post is that this is something that skewed my understanding of sexuality.

I found there were two main ways that this experience skewed my understanding of sexuality. One is that I expected every penis to be big and they somewhat scared me.  The other thing, and the one that I spent more time trying to figure out than anything else, is that I did not understand why I had been attracted to guys and girls a like.  I spent a lot of years assuming that my same-sex attractions were purely because I had been hurt in this way by a male figure in a position of trust. I could not tell if some of my feelings were twisted or authentic and I spent a great deal of my life assuming that I was messed-up as a result of this aspect.  It was quite a few years, well into adulthood, before I could even consider the possibility that I was bisexual. Even now, there is this little mental game going on in my head that fluctuates back and forth on the idea.

I have long ago accepted that what happened to my cousin and I had nothing to do with us and had everything to do with the despicable excrement that victimized us in this way. I don’t look at it as something that impacts my life – other than trying to determine if my sexual behaviors are “okay” or not, but I know that most of my sexual interactions were done with me fully on-board with the idea. Although, there were some circumstances that I didn’t like, I don’t feel like a victim now. And, most importantly, as defining a moment as this might have been at the time, I don’t feel it dictates what I do now.

I’m going to end this post now, because I know this could be a highly sensitive issue for a lot of people.  I will continue these posts in my Sexual and Relationship Development (S.A.R.D.), but this seems like an appropriate stopping point for this topic…

22 thoughts on “S.A.R.D. #1 – First Sexual Encounter (NSFW/21+)

  1. Good for you for having the strength to share this and you never know who might read and in turn take strength from it. What an awful thing to have happen and I think your way of describing this “person” as a “despicable excrement” is very apt. All the best, Sophie

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure, but I think you might be surprised or amazed at how many children this has happened to. Many times by someone in his/her own family. What this does to a child is incredible. That little mind should never be subjected to grownup sexual experiences. I’m glad that you wrote this. Don’t worry about it bringing up shit for others. This is your blog and your place to try to untangle these things in your mind.
    I don’t think there are many people who can’t say “me too.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, indeed you are brave and so many things that reside inside myself thank you for sharing your life sexual events within our lives mine especially have a huge impact on my own sexual thoughts..
    We are only as human as those who have created us to be so never be ashamed at what others do its them who should hold their heads down not you.

    A brave man you are.. embrace your life with love my friend I so understand your battle xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I really appreciate your support. It’s been a while since I made an entry on this topic, but I just do not have any ideas to write at the moment. Hopefully, I can think of some relevant thing and I can add to it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Many times I have tried writing and I even posted on my site then I would delete because I was ashamed of myself and what happened to me. My journey has been a very fragile one indeed which I have waited a long time to tell.. I will eventually tell it but, like you it is difficult to say the least.. I have grown with strength and I embrace my life going forward my sexual pattern if I used such a silly word has been a little jaded however, it is me and I am not ashamed of what I seem to be pulled towards.. we are all survivors never victims remember that .. saying that is better then giving those who made you who you are any satisfaction. You are strong, you will live to help others with your stories.. so please keep writing people like you help people like me x

    Liked by 1 person

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