It’s commonly accepted in Alcoholics Anonymous that the feelings alcoholics have before they pick up their first drink are “restlessness, irritability and discontent”. For an alcoholic, this sets up the phenomenon of craving. A normal person can have a drink to relax, escape and return to a normal state of mind just fine, but an alcoholic, like myself truly seeks more from the ease created with taking a few drinks.
I’m encountering some of these feelings today. I have had some things happen over the past couple of days that have made me prime for the onset of craving (I would be lying, if I said the obsession didn’t already exist). Some of these things have a lot to do with my financial situation – a situation I have been struggling with for years. To add to the already tight paycheck I receive (actually, I’m paid fairly well, it’s all of the expenses of life I can’t seem to reduce), my wife’s income has just reduced, the one and only car we have had just had almost $1000 bucks in repairs completed last week, and the cost of living where I live has skyrocketed in recent years. And, as I try and think of different ways to solve the problem, I’m frustrated with being told by members of AA to “just pray”.
Of course, the crux is this: When they tell you to just pray, they are telling you to pray for God’s will for your life. Well, I have a pretty fucking good feeling that God’s will should not include failing financially…and if it is His will, then I have an extended middle finger, I’d like to give Him. This is some of the crap that goes on in my head when I’m trying to figure things out. It’s one of the multitude of reasons I struggle with the concept of a Higher Power.
I just don’t get it, honestly…
Thankfully, I am at a worksite and have no access to a beer, because this is one of the days that I feel weak. I feel the craving creeping in like the anxiety I experience when all I want to do is pay my bills and have a little bit left over to enjoy a little entertainment. I can’t even take a weekend drive out of town, it’s so tight right now. I’m drowning and it’s frustrating, because I have been struggling since I was laid off three years ago.
But I don’t like just surviving…
…I want to live again. I want to feel alive.
I’m pissy little bitch today. Ugh!
Struggling on day 39 (or is it 40? I can’t even fucking remember today…sigh)