Alcoholic Thinking…

It’s commonly accepted in Alcoholics Anonymous that the feelings alcoholics have before they pick up their first drink are “restlessness, irritability and discontent”. For an alcoholic, this sets up the phenomenon of craving. A normal person can have a drink to relax, escape and return to a normal state of mind just fine, but an alcoholic, like myself truly seeks more from the ease created with taking a few drinks.

I’m encountering some of these feelings today.  I have had some things happen over the past couple of days that have made me prime for the onset of craving (I would be lying, if I said the obsession didn’t already exist). Some of these things have a lot to do with my financial situation – a situation I have been struggling with for years. To add to the already tight paycheck I receive (actually, I’m paid fairly well, it’s all of the expenses of life I can’t seem to reduce), my wife’s income has just reduced, the one and only car we have had just had almost $1000 bucks in repairs completed last week, and the cost of living where I live has skyrocketed in recent years.  And, as I try and think of different ways to solve the problem, I’m frustrated with being told by members of AA to “just pray”.

Of course, the crux is this: When they tell you to just pray, they are telling you to pray for God’s will for your life. Well, I have a pretty fucking good feeling that God’s will should not include failing financially…and if it is His will, then I have an extended middle finger, I’d like to give Him. This is some of the crap that goes on in my head when I’m trying to figure things out. It’s one of the multitude of reasons I struggle with the concept of a Higher Power.

I just don’t get it, honestly…

Thankfully, I am at a worksite and have no access to a beer, because this is one of the days that I feel weak. I feel the craving creeping in like the anxiety I experience when all I want to do is pay my bills and have a little bit left over to enjoy a little entertainment. I can’t even take a weekend drive out of town, it’s so tight right now. I’m drowning and it’s frustrating, because I have been struggling since I was laid off three years ago.

But I don’t like just surviving…

…I want to live again. I want to feel alive.

I’m pissy little bitch today. Ugh!

Struggling on day 39 (or is it 40? I can’t even fucking remember today…sigh)

22 thoughts on “Alcoholic Thinking…

  1. Hang in there my friend! You know reading your post I thought about what some “religious” people have told me when I have a hard time battling with the Depression part of being Bipolar – they always say, “God has a plan,” or “It’s God’s Will.” Now I don’t need to tell you that I feel the same way you do about finding your higher power when you are feeling down and vulnerable like this – I am right with you when you want to extend that middle finger straight in the air to Him! But, if I want to get all philosophical in the way I am starting to think about it, God didn’t give us Free Will and the Power to Choose Our Own Path if he thought it would be easy – I guess he has a sense of humor after all, huh??!! Keep fighting the good fight though, I am rooting for you as always!! ❤

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  2. I am not a believer of God, however I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we can’t understand the why of it in the present, especially when the environment and the circumstances seem so bleak and unpromising. But there truly is a reason for everything. Maybe you are helping someone else through these posts and you don’t even know it.

    And I believe that you have ALOT resting on your shoulders. You are only one person! And its fucking exhausting having so many rely on you. I wouldn’t expect anything less then feeling like a pissy little bitch. You are allowed to feel what you feel.

    You are not alone in this rut you are in. Trust me when I say many of us are in the same boat and we feel like it is on the verge of sinking. But its not and it wont, the waters are just really stormy right now.

    Keep writing your thoughts down. Sometimes that’s all it takes to help calm things while you are waiting for the reasoning to appear.

    Smile
    A

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is true. We relapse mentally before we pick up, I know from trial and error. As soon as I glamourize drinking, I speak out loud my truth, I am an alcoholic and I can not have that first drink because for me, a thousand isn’t enough and 1 will never be. I hate I am seeing this so late after it was posted. I hope you made it through your day, successfully. xoxo~ Eve

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  4. You are doing so well. One step at a time. I used to drink regularly many years ago. I do have a drink now and again still. I learned to moderate it by thinking ahead. Of how it would make me feel the next day. It can make us become very depressed. Life is so short. I do hope you get through one day at a time for tomorrow. If ever you want to talk please email me. I send you love light and healing. Blogging is a great therapy for making new friends and getting support. Tiffany. X

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    1. Thank you, so much for the support and encouragement. I’m not so sure I’ll ever be able to drink like a normal person. I might have one today, but tomorrow might be different. Regardless, eventually by having just one today I’ll be throwing beer back like it was going out of style.

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      1. It is tough. I think we are all prone to one addiction or another in life. A little bit of what you fancy – I suppose it is all about balance. A tough one. I am better to just not drink at all. Sugar levels can make us want to drink. When I eat a big meal I do not crave sugar. I send you love. X

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  5. The old Persian saying springs to mind … This too shall pass! I’m afraid that I too have to do a little more than just pray when it comes to the practicalities of life. If you want encouragement, which you completely deserve because clearly you’re doing f…ing well, then keep going, keep going, keep going … this is just a short moment in time this craving … think of something nice at home to have (lovely food, hot chocolate, spicy Virgin Mary … that works for me as is gives the kick in the back of the throat that I miss, hot bath, bloody good film … for example). Get through just today. As for the finances … huge piece of paper, two pencils, you and your other half together, line down the middle of the page … outgoings one side, income on the other and write, scribble, any ideas however random … ideas on ways to cut costs (eg food costs … change supermarket, bulk buy, bulk cooking and freezing saves a fortune, buying unbranded foods eg not Heinz baked beans if you’re in the UK but Asda own brand, online deliveries so there is less temptation, make a menu for the week (imperative) and one day a week is bits and bobs (ie just finishing up everything in the fridge so there’s NO wastage). Just a few ideas on food. In terms of income … depends on where you are, if you’re mobile etc. As I said I’m in the UK so when I’ve been short in the past, I do babysitting, car washing, dog walking, dog sitting (brilliant money!), cleaning, gardening (that’s actually what I’m trained at)

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    1. Sorry, pressed send by a mistake and I’m rambling a bit, but I hope that helps … there are lots of ways to get out of the hole, you need to find the right ladder. Thanks for your refreshingly honest post. Katie

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Wow! I’m touched by your encouragement! Thank you so much.
      Also, I really appreciate the concrete pieces of advice too. A lot of these I think I know, but it’s great to hear them since I’m not doing them. Thank you again for stopping by and offering this.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do hope I didn’t sound preachy! It’s just that I do understand, and my God, I know he tough it can be. I brought up two children on my own with no back up whatsoever following a heartbreaking divorce. A working single mum is pretty rubbish at times, so I get where you’re coming from. I learned how to economise and had a couple of jobs and somehow we managed to have a wonderful existence despite all of this. I hope you have a good day/evening and you start afresh tomorrow! Katie x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank God! I pressed reply and then worried!! I just don’t like anyone to struggle, life’s too darn short so if there’s anything that has worked for me, I like to share it. Good luck and keep me posted. Katie x

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