S.A.R.D. #2 – Recollection of First Sexual Thoughts. (NSFW/21+)

WARNING: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and will be thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences.

Excluding the thoughts imposed on me from someone else in a forceful way, I have had occasions when I think about when I first began to think about sex. I try and recall the first times I really thought about sex and I can only remember early adolescence – and maybe even pre-pubescence. I can’t really remember a specific timeline when some of these things began to become a thought in my mind. I do know, that I received a lot of influence from peers and classmates, which probably was not ideal.

I remember sexual discussions with my friends that were mostly jokes. Of course, being around guys, they had all had sexual experiences when they were incredibly young (this is a fallacy, I’m sure, but it was what they all bragged about). And influences were not always good, as I’ll probably drop bits and pieces of various things through these posts. Of course, my parents were always open to answering questions, but being raised as a catholic, it wasn’t always easy discussing sexual things with them. In a later post, I’ll discuss when I first learned all about “Adam & Eve and not Adam & Steve”…

But, one of the first things I remember I learned from my oh-so-wonderful friends is pornography.  Yes, I was exposed to it at a pretty young age. There was a kid (It’s hard to call him a “friend” because he was a huge poo-poo head) that lived down the street that was being raised by his dad. His dad had a pretty significant porno collection – magazines and movies.  And this neighbor kid – we’ll call him Jeffrey – invited me to watch movies on a few different occasions. If I remember right, I was probably 10 or 11 years old…pretty young to have your mind seeing a dirty movies.

Although, I had a physical response to many of the movies and magazines, I hadn’t really considered if I had an attraction to guys or not, but I certainly found myself responding to the images of various male and female anatomies – some I liked and some I didn’t.  Some of this went beyond just viewing, as I remember Jeffrey suggesting things when we spoke on the phone.  For example, he would ask me things like, “Are you playing with yourself thinking about [Any action or woman in one of the porno movies]?”  I would respond to the affirmative and he would ask me to put the receiver of the phone down towards my own privates parts as I touched myself.  I always felt stupid doing this, but something felt arousing at the same time.  He would also offer to let me hear him do the same.  Honestly, I never got much out of the whole introduction to phone sex, but I would suspect a couple of pre-adolescent boys really didn’t know squat anyways. I never did anything beyond that with Jeffrey, but it was something I take into consideration when I think about my Sexual and Relationship Development.

Of course, classmates, in general always seemed to know more about sex than I did too.  And hearing so many kids talk about what they did with this girl or that girl, made me feel extremely insecure, because it didn’t seem like girls even wanted to talk to me let alone do half the stuff these guys would talk about.  Of course, looking back on it, I could easily see they were all full of shit, but at the time it felt defining. And it did not do much for my self-esteem. Although, I had a few female friends at the time, most of my friends were males. I can look back and see how I was even attracted to some, but I didn’t understand it at the time, since sex or boyfriends or girlfriends just seemed so foreign.  The idea that I could be bisexual just wasn’t on the radar, and any boys I found myself attracted to didn’t seem like anything more than a form of affection that a friendship might exhibit.

Eventually, however, some of these things began to develop; but that’s another post for another day…

5 thoughts on “S.A.R.D. #2 – Recollection of First Sexual Thoughts. (NSFW/21+)

  1. Exploring our pasts to better understand the person we are now can be difficult in so many ways – but I think it’s important to do as you are .. process the memories as they come and understand that the past is the past, and try not to get stuck in whatever shame may have been attached to it. I applaud you, A. And the poo poo head reference was awesome 👏

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely understand. I’ve taken to meditation and trying to be “present” and I do think it’s helping somewhat. It’s a struggle though. I’m an awfully obsessive “what if”-er (and of course am victorious in every shower conversation replay 😉 )
        I try to think of it as this – accepting what has happened and occurred in our pasts means we spend that much less time obsessing and that much more time to focus on the now. xo

        Liked by 1 person

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