The God Thing…again

So, I’m sitting here tonight with some down time and listening to podcasts of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) Speaker meetings. Because I am unable to attend an AA meeting due to my jobsite being remote and I can’t leave, my sponsor has given me some suggestions to listen to as a means of supplementing the intention of attending 90 meetings within 90 days. This particular speaker is discussing “The God Thing”…

…again…

Honestly…I’m getting bored.

Actually, I don’t know if it’s boredom or apathy.

You see, the AA program encourages you to find a Higher Power of your own conception. Well, I’ve chosen to call this Higher Power as God.  So, when I was frustrated a couple of days ago (or was it yesterday?  UGh…my job really jacks me up with time) because of my job and I ended up speaking to my sponsor, and of course, he encouraged me to get on my knees and pray more.

And I am…I’m doing it…I’m praying…

And I’m beginning to feel just like I did when I was engaged in my catholic faith from years ago.  I can do everything I’m told, because everyone says it’s the way to do things. It’s like my parents telling me as a kid to stay in school and get an education because that will make everything happen for me.  Well, honestly? It makes me feel deceived and tricked, because it’s not true.

I simply can’t wrap my mind around it.

But this “God Thing” is one of the aspects of trying to work the AA program. It’s introduced to you in the second step of the program and by the third step it’s starting to get to the point where you can have faith…faith…

And just like that I hear a George Michael song…go figure…

That faith is a willingness to hand myself over to God’s will.  And yet, the problem is this, I am speculative by nature. I question everything, but it’s because I have always approached things with a need to know. I suppose, a lot of people would assume I don’t trust. And, as I write this getting ready to explain it all as if I just have this need to know things, I’m considering that I might have a problem and issue with trust.

And I don’t know why.

Maybe that’s my real problem, maybe I just can’t seem to find a way to trust God.

How can I turn my will over to something I don’t trust…?

I’m going to make it through today without a drink, but I’m not sure what the future holds…

…maybe, I’m fading again.

 

14 thoughts on “The God Thing…again

  1. It never says YOUR higher power has to be the vision of God you were raised with.
    my God knows I say fuck and he’s ok with it.. my God is completely different from the bearded man. It helped for me to find my vision first. I have terrible trust issues

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know some might find what I’m about to say sacrilegious, but it’s my way of looking at “higher power.” I believe the higher power is nature and I’m in awe of its beauty and strength every day.
    An old man with a beard? Nope. As you know from my blog, I find my inspiration in my surroundings, music, books.

    Liked by 2 people

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