I’ve always felt, ever since I was a kid, that the kind of person that gets into trouble is the person that is bored. I’ve always felt that maintaining some sort of focused brain activity is the key to maintaining happiness, because a mind left to its own devices will start thinking about the stuff it should not think about. Or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. I mean, I once had an aunt of mine suggest that I may have had a learning disorder or had some Attention Deficit Disorder (or whatever the new term for it is nowadays) that went unnoticed when I was a kid. Truthfully, I don’t know.
What I do know, is that when I have nothing to do or when I am coming down from my mind being over-stimulated with work, or some other task that involved my full attention, my mind has a habit of wandering. And sometimes it wanders to some places it really shouldn’t. Unfortunately, for me, over the past several years, my mind has lead me to depressive thoughts, thoughts of uselessness, thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of insecurity, thoughts of failure and on and on and on. The thoughts have become my enemy – I refer to this enemy as Hilda.
Lately, as I work on my sobriety, Hilda’s attacks have been somewhat more frequent. I’ve been trying to deal with it all, by trying to stay in the moment, deal with the hear and now. But sometimes, I recognize that there are issues, I’m putting aside until an answer reveals itself. Unfortunately, I’m really beginning to feel the need to address some things and the answers are not coming to me. I pray to God, I research possible solutions, and yet there is always the plague of my unanswered problems always on the horizon of my thoughts and they tend to rush in when I have no focus in my mind. I hate it.
And it tempts me to drink, which I hate even more.
I’ll make it through today, I know I will, but I have also been playing mind games with myself. The same games I play when I try and work on my sobriety. The thoughts of doubt come in and they try and convince me to have a drink – just one beer would be good. I think about how I have never been arrested for a DUI, had a relationship end, had any sort of ‘real’ consequence of my drinking.
But I know it’s a lie. It’s a lie that my brain tries and tell itself to give me the reprieve from everything through a drink. I know there are consequences, and some of those consequences I have discussed before. I realize this is not the way I want to go anymore, so I don’t understand why I have to have these thoughts. And I don’t know why praying to my Higher Power doesn’t feel like it works.
There are days though, when I think I try to hard to be perfect (I’m faaaaaar from it).
There are days when I just want to have a big eff it all and do what the hell I want.
There are days when I feel conflicted and hate that I feel so incredibly weak about this stupid little decision to have a beer or not.
But that’s sort of the reason, right? Would a normal person have a conflict over it? No, I don’t think she or he would have a second guess about having a drink – they would either do it or not and it would be enough if they did. No, I know, deep down, I can’t do it. And I hate that I hate that about me.
Going to the AA meeting, you often hear that this feeling and craving will disappear, eventually. But the fact that I still consider it as a solution is the reason I can’t stop, I suppose. And now, I feel like I’m completely wrangling this in my mind…
But I’m going to get through. All I need to do is give it today, I just do not need to drink today…
Day 44 and struggling…