SARD #4 – WTF?!?! I’m Attracted to Guys?!?!?! (Possibly NSFW/21+)

WARNING: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and will be thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences.

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Since my last post in my series on Sexual and Relationship Development, I discussed kissing girls.  In this SARD entry, I’m mentioning my same-sex attractions and introducing my same sex interactions.

I’m not sure, exactly, when the realization came that I am sexually attracted to guys.  It took a like time for me to accept the fact that I do, let alone come to a realization that I’m not some sort of freak.  You see, I have this awesome ability to deny myself pleasures as a means to achieving goals and I have always believed you can think yourself into whatever truth you want for yourself. It’s the whole mind over matter bullshit, I suppose. But, if I had to put a time frame on the realization, I suppose it would be when I had first participated in a same-sex encounter in a willing way (Yes, unfortunately, I have had some situations when I was not always a willing participant. One, I mentioned in a previous post). Well, that age would have been around 11 or 12 years old. I  had… hmmm… engaged in sexual activity with a couple of friends of mine.

Actually, let me not sugar coat it; I sucked dick.

But I’m going to share the details of these interactions in a different post sometime, because I intended to have this post focused more on the difficulty I had in accepting myself as bisexual.  Since I was raised catholic, you can imagine that I would have had a major hang-up thinking about my attractions to other males. It’s a sin to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage, for those who are unaware of the catholic church’s stance on marriage, it is strictly intended to be between a man and a woman.  What people don’t understand is that the church does not say “being” gay or having same-sex attractions is a sin, just the engagement in sexual activity outside of marriage is a sin.

I digress, because this isn’t intended to be an expose on the catholic church and it’s position on sexuality. It’s intended to demonstrate that I had a difficult time accepting that it was natural for me to be attracted to guys.  So, when I first engaged in sexual activity with a male friend, I had assumed I sinned and assumed I would keep my fucking mouth closed about it (um…except I didn’t – see above). I felt shame and wasn’t going to admit it to anyone.

I remember, at this time, the sinful behavior of homosexual acts was reinforced by my parents. Granted, they had no clue of my same-sex attractions, but they reinforced it, I believe, with the assumption of trying to lead me or my siblings down a path of righteousness. I remember, one time, when I was about this age seeing something on TV that described homosexuality as a sin. I exclaimed, “What?!  How can it be a sin? How can you control who you love?”  Keep in mind, I was 11 or 12 years old and this was the early 80s, so the idea that alternative sexualities would be considered in society was far from a realization. Well, I remember my dad explained, “Well, it’s a sin, because God had created Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve, so that we can get married and have a family.” In my young mind, it seemed completely acceptable and I had absolutely no reason to doubt my parents’ reasoning or explanation.

In fact, I solidified in my mind that my behavior with my male friends was inappropriate and wrong. I chalked it up to being an effect of the molestation I went through as a very young boy. I assumed I had an unnatural attraction to men and the penis because of being victimized. I knew I wasn’t going to hurt anyone and I knew that I could control my behavior, so I decided that my temptations were something I could refrain from with the explanation that something that happened to me would not define me.

Except, there were more times I engaged in sexual activities with guys. I’m making myself sound like a complete slut here…trust me, I can count on one hand (maybe a finger or two more) how many guys I have been with. And the guilt and shame, and odd satisfaction, carried through with me well into adulthood. I spent many years denying being bisexual. I spent a great number of years, convincing myself that I was simply acting out from being victimized. I knew I liked women, I knew I enjoyed sex with women (okay…maybe man-slut is a good description for me) and I knew I wanted to marry a woman (I actually did that, by the way).  So, I didn’t understand why occasional attractions to guys pop up.

And, oddly, when I begin talking about it, it’s almost like the sexual anxiety I feel about it all, disappears…  This is just a side note.

Anyways, I spent so many years denying it. I even embraced my catholic upbringing for a number of years and could easily explain the theology of sexual expression and love. Using intellect as an explanation for most things, sometimes comes easy to me (It’s feeling and emotions that always fucked me up). I was an advocate for heterosexual marriage and even criticized so many others for their lifestyle choices.  Obviously, I was a hypocrite…

It wasn’t until I sought a therapist to deal with my marital problems that I really began exploring myself. I had developed in my mind (and only shared with therapists) that the reason I could not have a sound relationship with a woman, is because of my latent attraction to guys. I just couldn’t reconcile why I would be attracted to both women and men. I considered the possibility I was a sex addict. I considered the possibility that I was so fucked up that I could never thrive in any relationship. I had a lot of hangups with my sexuality and the way I viewed sex. I couldn’t find the answers with praying, religion, or anything else I knew and understood. I just assumed I could not function in a relationship because of my sexuality.

Of course, having told three different therapists and all three of them practically shrugging off my sexuality as if it were completely a non-issue was I able to see that maybe that is the case. I was able to finally consider the possibility that there was nothing wrong with me. I was able to consider some of my same-sex interactions as completely valid as the ones I had with women, no less shameful. In fact, I was able to finally admit, I even enjoyed some of them.

I wish I could claim pride on the matter, however, but I do not.  I’ve often stated that I will never be marching in any parades, nor waving a bi-pride flag from a rooftop or any other kind of self-promotion. I simply wanted to be okay with myself, to be okay with who/what I am. And the last therapist I saw had encouraged me, in so many ways, to take comfort in the fact that experiences were just a part of who I am. There was no judgment and she did not try and define my self-understanding for me, but merely allowed me to work my own way through it.

I won’t lie, however, I still have hang-ups about it all, because I still believe that choosing your behavior is a complete matter of self-accountability. And I question the ideas of morality and how it might relate to a relationship with God, with others, the impact of coming completely out to others, and so many other issues. I take great comfort in the negative stereotype that those in the LGBTQ+ community have with being bisexual and having “heterosexual privilege”. I still stand by the idea that whether or not I suck dick is on a complete need to know basis, and I’m the one that gets to decide that little tidbit…

Of course, I find myself torn on discussing it. I always will, I think. The comfort and unease are opposing forces and both emotions have ridden the fence in my understanding of my own sexuality.  But I also sometimes find myself not giving a fuck about it all.

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(Strangely enough, I feel a little dirty using vulgarity. It’s not my norm in a public setting and typically refrain from exposing myself in this way, but I appreciate those of you that allow me to express myself without judgment.)

 

2 thoughts on “SARD #4 – WTF?!?! I’m Attracted to Guys?!?!?! (Possibly NSFW/21+)

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