Sometimes More often than not, I think I’m am too hard on myself.
I’m looking at the past couple of days’ posts and realizing I’m starting to sound horribly critical and doubtful of myself. It’s been a Hilda invasion for sure. I have a hard time allowing my own imperfections. I’ve always been considerate and understanding of the imperfections of other people and I rarely criticize them, but holy cow can I go off on myself when I do something I perceive as wrong.
And being an alcoholic is one of those things pissing me off about myself.
I think there are a couple of reasons for that. One being that I have always prided myself on being a strong-willed and driven individual able to meet and accomplish goals and meet my ambitions; and to think that I have succumbed to drinking seems counter-intuitive to my being. There seems to be this constant thought twisting around my mind trying to convince me that having a beer is no big deal. Sitting down and enjoying some craft brews is completely okay, because I’m not going to beat my wife, get into a fight, go home with someone other than my spouse, hurt my children or any of the other socially and legally unacceptable things that others go through. But then, I also know that I drown my emotions. I escape from reality when I drink. I know, truly deep down, that I will take refuge in my mental and emotional pains by drinking. I would add fuel to that fire.
But it pisses me off. I am upset that I can’t feel like a “normal” person. I can’t do what others can do when it comes to drinking. It pisses me off that I won’t be engaging in social drinking with others. And I have begun to berate myself for it and trying to mentally beat myself into the submission of proper behavior.
The other reason being an alcoholic pisses me off is that I know that I have somehow lost any semblance of a relationship with God. I feel more experienced in the world than I did as a kid. I don’t like that I don’t feel right that I can’t just reach out without knowledge of life, without theological understanding. I have this disconnect that I hear anyone and everyone saying that it doesn’t matter what I believe as long as I go through the process of praying and reaching out to a Higher Power. I know I believe in God. I can’t ignore that, regardless of how much I have tried to disprove it in my mind. But I feel like there is so much wrong with me that makes me imperfect and that I can’t be something that is an example of “God’s will”. And I know I’ll be doing the Third Step in AA soon that says I am willing to turn my will over to God.
But, I can see, and I know from the words I just wrote that it is simply another rendition of Hilda. She’s insidious and persistent, that’s for sure. But I want to be at a point where I can just be “okay” with myself. I want to be in a frame of mind that is joyful, goal oriented again, clearly thinking and working on bettering myself and becoming a better person.
But I know, that the only way I can do that is if I drop the stick that I use to keep beating myself…
45th day of sobriety.