Leaving the Stick Behind…

Sometimes More often than not, I think I’m am too hard on myself.

I’m looking at the past couple of days’ posts and realizing I’m starting to sound horribly critical and doubtful of myself. It’s been a Hilda invasion for sure. I have a hard time allowing my own imperfections.  I’ve always been considerate and understanding of the imperfections of other people and I rarely criticize them, but holy cow can I go off on myself when I do something I perceive as wrong.

And being an alcoholic is one of those things pissing me off about myself.

I think there are a couple of reasons for that. One being that I have always prided myself on being a strong-willed and driven individual able to meet and accomplish goals and meet my ambitions; and to think that I have succumbed to drinking seems counter-intuitive to my being.  There seems to be this constant thought twisting around my mind trying to convince me that having a beer is no big deal. Sitting down and enjoying some craft brews is completely okay, because I’m not going to beat my wife, get into a fight, go home with someone other than my spouse, hurt my children or any of the other socially and legally unacceptable things that others go through.  But then, I also know that I drown my emotions. I escape from reality when I drink. I know, truly deep down, that I will take refuge in my mental and emotional pains by drinking.  I would add fuel to that fire.

But it pisses me off. I am upset that I can’t feel like a “normal” person. I can’t do what others can do when it comes to drinking. It pisses me off that I won’t be engaging in social drinking with others. And I have begun to berate myself for it and trying to mentally beat myself into the submission of proper behavior.

The other reason being an alcoholic pisses me off is that I know that I have somehow lost any semblance of a relationship with God.  I feel more experienced in the world than I did as a kid. I don’t like that I don’t feel right that I can’t just reach out without knowledge of life, without theological understanding. I have this disconnect that I hear anyone and everyone saying that it doesn’t matter what I believe as long as I go through the process of praying and reaching out to a Higher Power. I know I believe in God.  I can’t ignore that, regardless of how much I have tried to disprove it in my mind. But I feel like there is so much wrong with me that makes me imperfect and that I can’t be something that is an example of “God’s will”. And I know I’ll be doing the Third Step in AA soon that says I am willing to turn my will over to God.

But, I can see, and I know from the words I just wrote that it is simply another rendition of Hilda. She’s insidious and persistent, that’s for sure. But I want to be at a point where I can just be “okay” with myself. I want to be in a frame of mind that is joyful, goal oriented again, clearly thinking and working on bettering myself and becoming a better person.

But I know, that the only way I can do that is if I drop the stick that I use to keep beating myself…

But how?

45th day of sobriety.


3 thoughts on “Leaving the Stick Behind…

  1. Brene browns book the gifts of imperfection helped me.
    And reading about self compassion and cultivating it.
    Honestly, I thought it was all bullshit and that my inner critic helped make me successful, driven and intense. Maybe it did…but then I became brittle, depressed and so very dissatisfied with myself.

    I made peace with the inner voice as a part of me looking for attention and love. Like a child throwing a tantrum.

    45, yay!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is not easy for anybody. Maybe if you try to accept yourself first, and focus on all the characteristics you like about yourself, instead of the ones you do not, maybe they will not seem quite as large and bad and overwhelming. It is a process, and there might be setbacks, but if you embrace and approve of yourself, the self-loathing will slowly vanish…

    Liked by 1 person

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