Handing myself over to God…as I understand Him.

A few days ago, I met with my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and we went over the Third Step of the AA program.  It’s the one with a prayer that asks God to help you turn your will over to His will.  But there is mention again on how I, as an individual, might understand Him.  I won’t lie – I have some apprehension about this all.  It reminds me of a time I had gone to confession (I was born and raised Catholic, for those of you that didn’t already know) and expressed to the priest that my biggest struggle with faith is the idea that I become responsible and it feels like I would lose myself and my identity. Of course, at the time, I had not even defined my sexuality – which adds another dimension altogether.

Truthfully, I have lived a life of responsibility and I no longer want it.  I want someone else to be responsible – but the problem is that I don’t trust too many people to do things the way I like or want (Control freak, much?). I mean, I have a grasp of how to make things work, how to get things done, how to accomplish and achieve – in spite of supposed insurmountable odds. So, the idea of “letting go and letting God” is paramount to being an impossibility to me. But it goes much deeper, I think, and I don’t even know how to wade through it all.

I began to tackle this issue on my last blog – attempting to understand God. I mean, I have always been the kind of person to try and understand things to make things work for me.  So, this idea of trying to understand what God wants was driven by my desire to make things work in my favor. And, I think, for most people who have a semblance of faith, this would probably be laughable – queue the “This is not how God works” explanations.

But then, my understanding of God needed to be changed, right?  If I couldn’t make God work for me, then I needed God to accept me and allow me to be who I am.  And at the time I was discussing these things and exploring these thoughts, I was also trying to come to terms with being bisexual. I didn’t want a God that would send me to hell, if I happened to fall in love with a man. So, I decided that I would “conceive” of a God (and I decided God had to be a woman at the time), that would be completely okay with an idea that I can be feminine, bisexual and yet male. I needed a Goddess that would allow me to be whatever the fuck I wanted to be, because I needed a God that accepted everything about me.

Granted, I am an alcoholic, so my thinking was not right anyways.

But, what I have come to accept about God is this: There isn’t one fucking person on this planet that “knows” the nature of God; they only “believe” what God’s nature might be. And with that in mind, maybe it’s not my responsibility to define God. Maybe God is whatever He or She decides – who am I to question that? And it’s what I believe that needs to be any sort of starting point in this endeavor.

And to me, a God or a Higher Power would simply want me to be open to understanding Him or Her. I would suspect that I’m not expected to be perfect, but that I would need to accept that a Higher Power would know more about life than I would and that is what I would need to be open to understanding.

And so, I believe I have surrendered on some level, because trying to force God into my box of knowledge and understanding would literally be trying to force the limited upon the limitless. And for now, I am now at a point where I am willing to let God have His/Her way with me…and I am open to trying to understand what that might mean.

I am on my 57th day of sobriety.

8 thoughts on “Handing myself over to God…as I understand Him.

  1. This is where I applied the saying “keep it simple”. I, like you, had a preconcieved notion that God was this way or that way. Well that view of ours was ingrained from previous encounters with religion and that is not how it is. That is how others accept it to be, we are different. Alcoholics are smart people and we don’t just accept things for face value. Like I previously said my God kmnows I say “fuck” a lot abd SHE still loves me. Mine (God) has feminie characteristics and she sparkles with gold glitter, if she were to pose for a picture like those of the bearded American God.?.?.? Instead of trying to make sense of it, surrender to your idea and move on because if not you’ll drink again. That step is enough to make one want to drink!! It will never truly make sense. That’s just my humble, honest opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t believe in God myself and I think a lot of the reason behind my disbelief is that the concept of God is just to inside the box for me. No one actually know who or if God existed. He could actually be a she, who loved wild parties and orgies. Maybe she was so worshiped because people envied her freedom to just be who she wanted to be. No one will ever really know. So maybe God or a belief needs to be whatever you need it to be and not what a book has told to be so. Believing in something shouldn’t come with restraints….(unless you like being tied up lol)

    Also I laughed because I understand your need to want someone else to take responsibility. I want that to, as long as they are doing it the way it said to….I am also a control freak. hahaha

    **hugs**
    A

    Liked by 1 person

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