A few days ago, I met with my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and we went over the Third Step of the AA program. It’s the one with a prayer that asks God to help you turn your will over to His will. But there is mention again on how I, as an individual, might understand Him. I won’t lie – I have some apprehension about this all. It reminds me of a time I had gone to confession (I was born and raised Catholic, for those of you that didn’t already know) and expressed to the priest that my biggest struggle with faith is the idea that I become responsible and it feels like I would lose myself and my identity. Of course, at the time, I had not even defined my sexuality – which adds another dimension altogether.
Truthfully, I have lived a life of responsibility and I no longer want it. I want someone else to be responsible – but the problem is that I don’t trust too many people to do things the way I like or want (Control freak, much?). I mean, I have a grasp of how to make things work, how to get things done, how to accomplish and achieve – in spite of supposed insurmountable odds. So, the idea of “letting go and letting God” is paramount to being an impossibility to me. But it goes much deeper, I think, and I don’t even know how to wade through it all.
I began to tackle this issue on my last blog – attempting to understand God. I mean, I have always been the kind of person to try and understand things to make things work for me. So, this idea of trying to understand what God wants was driven by my desire to make things work in my favor. And, I think, for most people who have a semblance of faith, this would probably be laughable – queue the “This is not how God works” explanations.
But then, my understanding of God needed to be changed, right? If I couldn’t make God work for me, then I needed God to accept me and allow me to be who I am. And at the time I was discussing these things and exploring these thoughts, I was also trying to come to terms with being bisexual. I didn’t want a God that would send me to hell, if I happened to fall in love with a man. So, I decided that I would “conceive” of a God (and I decided God had to be a woman at the time), that would be completely okay with an idea that I can be feminine, bisexual and yet male. I needed a Goddess that would allow me to be whatever the fuck I wanted to be, because I needed a God that accepted everything about me.
Granted, I am an alcoholic, so my thinking was not right anyways.
But, what I have come to accept about God is this: There isn’t one fucking person on this planet that “knows” the nature of God; they only “believe” what God’s nature might be. And with that in mind, maybe it’s not my responsibility to define God. Maybe God is whatever He or She decides – who am I to question that? And it’s what I believe that needs to be any sort of starting point in this endeavor.
And to me, a God or a Higher Power would simply want me to be open to understanding Him or Her. I would suspect that I’m not expected to be perfect, but that I would need to accept that a Higher Power would know more about life than I would and that is what I would need to be open to understanding.
And so, I believe I have surrendered on some level, because trying to force God into my box of knowledge and understanding would literally be trying to force the limited upon the limitless. And for now, I am now at a point where I am willing to let God have His/Her way with me…and I am open to trying to understand what that might mean.
I am on my 57th day of sobriety.